Tuesday, September 17, 2024

The trouble with usefulness

It hit me. 

All my life, I've been trying to figure out my purpose in life. 

Maybe I was brought to this earth to bring joy to my parents.

When I search for a job, I want to be a 有用的人。Contributing to society. Finding a place, a reason for my existence. 

Finding value in my organization, to be wanted. Or needed rather. 

It hit when I chanced upon this post on Ig. On how to be useful for Christ. How we define usefulness and not how God defines usefulness. For me,  I define usefulness as utilising my strengths and talents. Why? Cause it makes me feel good! It makes me feel that I have value. The post says that usefulness is self-centered. Which can be true - when it's all about YOU. When God calls us to the mundane or do something that doesn't fall into our strength category, we struggle, we wrestle, we even feel sad. Why isn't God utilising my strengths? Unknowingly, we fall into wanting to dictate how God is going to use us.

The post also mentioned this -the only way to be useful to God is to let God dictate what He wants us to do (or not to do). It even says this: Jesus dying on the cross is never useful. But it was God's plan and He obeyed it to death
It also cites the 12 disciples are not useful people, yet Jesus still chose them. Hence the question - do you want to be useful in your eyes or faithful in His

Was quite a sobering truth and also it might be the antidote to the entire not doing enough in school or might become a disappointment thing. After all, the measure of success in the world is staggering intimidating and it always makes me feel even good enough or useful. 

But the post presented to me a new perspective (i mean, its something that I've kind of known, but to see it in words, it hits hard), the measure of men will never be the same in God's eyes. What may seem little to men, as long as it follows what God wants you to do, that is enough (not good enough in a sense, but what matters most).

= do something right = 

Saturday, August 31, 2024

Quite a nostalgic day today. Seeing some familiar faces.

But I know that I don't really do well with big groups of people. Sometimes I feel that I am standing in the middle of a narrow bridge. But unsure which side to walk to. 

Dear God, still thank you for placing me in LOL. To meet the people I have met, to feel the feelings I felt. 世上虽然没有地方容纳我, 但we are not made for this earth. We don't belong here. We are made for eternity with you. Yet at different timings, you will still place people in my life to walk this journey with me. When I need a hand, I will always find one and there will always be safe spaces for me. Thank you for keep me out of harm's way and building a genuine spirit in me. I'm growing to be comfortable in my skin because you made me. I can also relate to people who feel left out and they might not be as blessed as me to know you. I pray that as LOL grows, may we not grow only in numbers, but grow bigger in heart. We might welcome a new era, I pray for more empathy, our generation will set their sights and hearts on you. As we mold the next generation, Lord please lead us. 

looking forward to what God is doing and will do.

= do something right =

Friday, August 30, 2024

There has been a few sermons on building the culture of the church recently. Though belonging to different series, but the core message is the same - to come together as one. When Ps Weilin touched on individualistic faith vs communal, she used puzzle pieces to depict the different roles making up one big picture of Christ. But when the puzzle pieces decide to not follow their specific roles, and want to be placed somewhere, the entire picture of Christ gets 'ruin'. Ps Wei Kai brought us through the model of belong > believe > become (or behave), it is not something that I am foreign to. There was also emphasis that our growth is important not just for ourselves, but for the people around you. 

I do believe and agree with what was shared. It is always easier to preach than to actually do it. Sometimes I really wonder if our congregation really understands what has been said to us, or they are just there to go through the motion and the message is just part of the program. Do they know that the message (and what I choose to believe), is what God wants to tell us, and the speaker is just a vessel? It isn't just Ps Wei Lin or Ps Wei Kai speaking, but God speaking through them? and perhaps why the messages keep sounding the same is because it is something that LOL currently lacks in. Maybe both leaders (not the pastors) and members alike? 所谓上梁不正,下梁歪

I have been pondering on some feelings I have and I got to admit, that it could be due to some expectations I have and that is why I would feel this way. For starters, church gives the impression that it should be the most welcoming place on earth (pardon the exaggeration), because the people in church are ambassadors of God's love. Oh but upon closer inspection, that is actually my expectation! As human beings, it is natural that we keep to our own comfortable circle of friends. Especially when you are introverted by nature (or age), not many of us have Alvin's superpower of interaction, even when we try our very best. Next is common topic, common life stage or common memories. I am honestly a very boring and quirky person. I can be interested in anything, yet also interested in nothing. Years of experience have taught me the right things to say to stay in the conversation, yet my ability to be transient as and when I want also allows me to slip away. Perhaps, nothing really interests me as I feel that the world or the things that we are exposing ourselves to are polluting our minds. What the people in the current congregation do, doesn't interest me, the things they talk about, the issues, they are what I see on a daily basis at work. The older friends who have left, they are either at a different stage of life, busy with kids or have created other common memories that I do not share. And lastly, need. The constant need to be needed, or maybe people only remembers me when I am needed. Yet we are all replaceable. So there is that dilemma there. Do I show myself as desperately wanting to help to quench my thirst of feeling needed, or offer different names to escape needing to be needed? 

Let's go back to Ps Wei Kai's model shall we? belong > believe > behave 
That is probably for new believers and yes, especially so for the younger generation. Everyone yearns to be in a community. Speakers often say, church is not a social club. yes it isn't. but that's what some people see it to be. A feel good, spiritual social club so that I will not feel too lonely on weekends. 
Anyways, for me, I think I stick to the older model believe > behave > belong. Maybe that is why I always feel that I am against the current. Of course I will feel good when my members feel belonged in the cell, but it makes me jumpy, not knowing why they behave in a certain manner and whether or not they know what they believe in. Perhaps, its the way I am being brought up, or maybe I have placed my expectation of cell and church high up on this pedestal. But when the feeling of belonging is not being met, the only thing that keeps me going of staying in a community, is the belief. Because it's God command and order and that is what is in the Bible.

In the previous paragraph, I mentioned about my expectation of church being the most welcoming place on earth. That is my flaw, that is an undue expectation and that is perhaps why I feel hurt and upset. Because my expectation is not met. It is indeed incredulous of me to have that expectation because church is also made up of imperfect people! So I just need to drop that expectation. 

It is okay to be part of the body of Christ, because God is the one who dictates you to be there. Not the other body parts. So then, what really is the issue?

All these feelings, cooped up inside of me. Wanting to feel belonged, but not being able to, though I tell myself it's okay, but sometimes feeling is it really okay? 

As I ponder deeper, the answer lies in my security in Christ. Am I secured enough to know that God is the one who placed me in this community, regardless of the way I perceive how they treat me? People do love me for who I am and I should not base their love for me on how many times they meet me or how quickly they reply me (just to name a few actions). 

Yet how do I not disregard what I am feeling? It's not easy to build a culture. Many times we are told that it starts with me. What if no one feels that there is a problem with the culture? Am I the issue? 

Anyways, this is my blog so I can share my own opinion. I speak for myself only. What I personally feel is that technology is to blame. In secondary school, my friends and I used to just sit somewhere and talk. We talk about everything. Homework, teachers, amine. We walked around, continue talking, commenting etc. Interaction took place. Constructive interaction. We were not glued to our phones watching somebody talking about things that doesn't make sense or played games that became our sole common topic. Sad to say, I hardly understand what the younger generation are saying now. Substituting words that don't mean what they really mean to form sentences that mean otherwise. Removing the phone or giving them the phone to do exactly what phones are supposed to do - call and text. Would probably be what I feel would have a significant impact. At least now, we won't be distracted by our machines. 

Self-centeredness. This is also something that I fall prey to. Maybe if people are a little less self centered, church would become a better place. A more welcoming place. Minus technology, we can fully connect with people. Our attention would not be drawn away, the content of what we talk about with perhaps become broader. 

But I'm still a work in progress. Reading emotionally healthy discipleship to get back on track. Especially the part about coming from a place of being, instead of purely doing. Sense that God is speaking to me through what I am going through and I do not want to be led by circumstances, situations and environment. Though I still fall into it sometimes. But I want to find security and joy in Christ. Definitely more work to be down. 

Was talking to my esthetician today. She said that other than being comfortable in cell, cell should also help you to grow. When you grow, you'll naturally feel uncomfortable, hence cell provides a safe space for you to do so. Maybe that's something a church can work towards to, especially when we are in God's business of growing spiritually matured Christians. Providing a safe space for people to do so, not focusing on self, but each other. 

= do something right =

Sunday, July 7, 2024

Been experiencing a lot of emotions regarding my job. It is akin to how I felt 7 years ago, when I wanted to leave my first role.

Will come back to that later. Just want to say that recently I think I am having a lot of misconceptions about God. Some getting cleared, some forming. It was an amazing night two Fridays ago when we had our teachers' prayer night. The theme was on first love and Pastor Ben from Talent Beacon Church came to share the message. He started off with a question - how would you tell someone that God loves you. 

Wow, what a profound question. I struggled to answer it, even till today. Many of them shared the instances when God came through for them or God blessed them with xxx. Which is great, as they have experienced God. I had a hard time trying to differentiate if I just love the gifts or the giver. isn't love unconditional? Meaning regardless of what God gave, or didn't give, He still loves me. It is something innately felt, just because He loves me, and not because God did this for me hence I know He loves me. One of my colleagues shared about her family struggles and how she did nothing, yet God still healed her entire family. That also allowed me to have the courage to share about my dad's accident. In that moment, I think my view of God changed. Yet, it was also in that moment, and the one instant that I hear God spoke to me. 'be still and know that I am God.' 

My parents are the things that I hold on the most. Of course I find it hard to let go of many things, but parents definitely rank #1 hardest. To cut the long story short, really received many prayers that day. Really thankful and I think my perspective shifted. That giving up my parents, doesn't mean that I do not love them, rather committing them and putting them in the hands of the Father, the creator, who else but God himself id able to take care of them. I also use to think that I need to exchange my love for my parents with my love for God. Like God's love needs to be ranked 1st and if I love my parents... then God is not my number 1. I think it is liberating to know that there is no one who loves my parents more than me than Go himself and He will take care of them, much much MUCH better than anyone on their planet will and can. Have faith that He will also want the best for them and will take care and provide for them. It doesn't mean my fear of losing them one day will be gone, but I can have peace knowing that God's got my back and I do not need to bear this burden. 

Also managed to bring 2 of my students to church, which is something quite amazing. Something that I never thought I would have done. God is always working around us and he invites us to be involved in His work.

Okay, let's go back to the job. Honestly... if you ask me what I dislike about my job. Its really the nitty gritty and the anxiety and fear of what is to come the scares me. Never thought I will be saying this but the admin work is crazy and the process is long. Colleagues are nice, but not all are exactly willing to go the extra mile for students with SEN. Understandable... they just want to do their job and go home, like everyone else. Students sometimes do drive me up and wall, but its okay, I also understand from their POV. Parents are also okay, emotional dump occasionally but still manageable. Actually really thank God. Thankful for all He has given me. SO... if you ask me what I do not like about the job. Or what's there not to like. my answer will be... I just don't like. sian. don't really know what I am doing. and I dislike this feeling. I also know the pool of students... know what is coming in the next few years. The trouble brewing in some sense. 

I dread going to work daily and that scares me. Going to a place, doing something that I do not enjoy scares me. Even though I am part of God's work, I am involved, investing into lives, yet. I'm not happy. I don't feel a sense of joy. Responsibility yes, duty yes, joy no. That scares me. It feels like I got it all wrong. I feel at war with myself sometimes. I don't enjoy holidays, knowing that school is going to start again. I think about what I need to do on Monday... on Friday when I go home. It makes me uptight. My flight response triggered. Work enjoyment is impt to me. 

Do I have 'dreams' or things I want to do? yeah. I actually love to try on different jobs. I remember someone asked me if I could have a superpower what would it be, I said to have the ability to try on as many jobs as possible. Get hired at the interviews, try out, quit and go on the next one. But of course, reality has set in and I would really really really want to find something that I love, and enjoy to do and stay in it for long. My jobs have been 3years or less. its crazy. Recently, I went for the info session to teach English to non-native speakers. I can do this remotely. But the classes are on weekends, so I scrapped it. I am also attending a OG course to teach literacy skills. Maybe I can work as an educational therapist in their centre or something. My dad would prefer me to stay in my current role, till I have a child then decide. Cause the benefits are good, he doesn't want me to waste the 4 months maternity and what not. Of course, it sounds good, got the leave and pay. But I don't want to stay in a job for this. I'm not happy, I think I will be stressed... don't even know if my baby will turn out fine at this rate. Anyways. tbtp. The only reason why i'm not moving is, I do not know where God is calling me next. Not that I always new. I usually just do my thing and flow. But now, I do not want to be rash. Supposedly wait upon the Lord. Though I really hope He tells me soon. 

Overall still thankful for the school, the colleagues, the students. Everyone is okay. Nice. The problem probably lies with me. Sometimes I feel God telling me that I am looking for joy at all the wrong places. He is probably right. Will try my best to think positive and find joy in the tight spaces. 

innately, i really hope something comes soon (thought no idea what)

= do something right =

Sunday, June 23, 2024

2016 Camp Crossover (Camper)

2018 Camp Promise (Helper)

2019 WOW Conference (Card game facilitator)

2021 Camp Connect (Assistant Group Leader)

2022 Camp Deeper (Camp Com)

2023 Camp Build (Helper)

2024 Camp X (Assistant Group Leader)

Reality 1: God is always at work around me.

Reality 3: God invites me to become involved with Him in His work.

Reality 5: God's invitation for you to work with Him always leads you to a crisis of belief that requires faith and action


Jan 13 2024

I texted Den that I am willing to be placed anywhere she needs me to be.

At that time, Den invited me to be in camp com. But due to certain circumstances, she needed to release me. 

Fast forwards, I found out that I was placed in a group to be the assistant group leader. 

Honestly, I struggled. Since I am not in camp com, I just wanted to be a game helper. Setup the game station, explain the game. Do not need to cheer, follow the group members around. Do what the members need to do. Basically it wasn't that I can't do, its just that I won't do. Also partly because I am really bad at games and I didn't want to be a burden.

But I looked back at the message I sent Den in Jan. I am willing to be placed anywhere she needs me to be. I am willing. Anywhere.

I am not someone who goes back on her word. Hence I just went ahead with it. 

Being a group leader after so long not only brought back memories, it also gave me an opportunity to interact with members that I have not interacted before. They were all really welcoming of me and it was good to partner James once again. 

Even though I was only with them for one and a half days, but I could see their growth, trying to help in ways that they can. Both Charlotte and Kateriel came and hug me before I left. Which was really touching to me. Also thankful for the opportunity to be Hana's interpretor, putting my language skills to the test. Though I felt a bit sad for leaving early, but when James texted me that after I left, some of them help with the facilitation of devotion and sharing, it made me happy. Sometimes, our absence can help more people to step up. 

As I was walking home from work on Friday. The realities from experiencing God popped up in my mind. It is true that God is always at work around us. His invitation is not some huge thunderbolt moment, sometimes it is something very subtle, and whether or not you choose to partake in His work, He will still get on with you. You are the one losing out. 

I accepted His invitation and oh boy did I struggle. The decision to say yes to becoming a group leader. The decision to come on a public holiday to setup the place. The decision to participate to my best in the games, to cheer with them and let loose a bit. Even for 1.5 days, that it will be worthwhile. It requires faith and action that God is doing something in these young people's lives and I want to be part of it. 

I am glad that I got to be part of it. This to me is a breakthrough and a lesson from camp. A tiny step in multiplying my horizon.


= do something right =


Tuesday, June 4, 2024

 Matthew 6:25-27 NKJV‬

[25] “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? [26] Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? [27] Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?

https://bible.com/bible/114/mat.6.25-27.NKJV


Devotion message: The things i own don't belong to me. Hold on to them loosely. 


Got asked by Den if it's okay for me to pay the full camp fee. You might think that $90 for a working adult like me might be nothing. But if you know me, I'm someone that doesn't like to 吃亏。One of my 'matra' is that 我不做亏本生意 or in whatever I do, I don't like making losses. 


Even before I asked Den, I've already thought that since I can only make it for 2 days of camp, is it not right that I just pay $45? I mean the most 55, adding 10 for the shirt. While talking to God in the morning, Matthew 6:25 came into my mind. Actually what do I have to lose if nothing is own by me? I'm just God's steward. So when Den's message came, I was able to say yes. It's not about the value, but the heart. Not to make myself look good, but if 90 is an investment in this camp for God. Then I am willing. 


= do something right =

Friday, May 24, 2024

While everyone is at DYB, here I am, at home, trying not to suck my lungs out while I expel all the phlegm. It is painful just to speak and project my voice. Coming down with a bout of throat infection is just not timely at all. Not really worried about cell connect tmr as I have my trusty ALs to help me out. I just need to be there to eyeball them. Really miss interacting with them though they do require loads of my energy. More worried about the VIA coming up on Tuesday. I will be bringing 4 of my students with SEN to another school to conduct a booth as part of the school's day camp. A camp for students with SEN by students with SEN. It is definitely my first time doing something like that and its really meaningful to me. The students have put in effort to stay behind, helping to prep and doing the dry run. I will be the only teacher going with them, so if I am down... that pretty much means that they cannot do. Hence praying hard that I will be well by next Tuesday. 

It has definitely been a while since I visited this little space. Maybe it is a good thing? HAHA Its has been a month since my previous post. Really did a lot in a month. I have reached a point whereby I look forward to my activities after school... rather than my work. oops. That is probably the reason for my throat infection. Late nights plus rarely at home? It could also be from the school camp that happened 2-3 weeks ago. I have had colleagues who were not feeling well and we shared the same bunk. oh wells. 

Okay, so one of the things that I would like to share would be the solitude that our LCG did two weeks ago. This would be my second solitude of the year. first being the one during March holidays at Desaru. Really liked that Weilin gave us some tips and a format to follow. Cause you know that I need structure. not to mention. Yong En asked the other time if we are to 放空 during solitude.  脑袋全放空~ (cue song by boon huilu), anyways. it really helped that there were specifics for each segment. Like reading the passage/verse 3 times, each time with something different. Then allow the Holy Spirit to reveal what God wants you to know about Himself, His purposes, or His ways, before we identify the adjustments that we want to make - in light of my past experiences, my current circumstances and my future hopes and dreams. Then write a prayer response to God. It was quite free and easy. We were able to choose our own spot/place as long as we return to the same room by the given timing. 

I love the area where I went to for my solitude. Maybe it is somewhere least expected. I happen to chance upon it on my way to church when I walked from Queenstown mrt. The Margaret Drive hawker centre was oddly empty. While on my way to church, I was somewhat early and I found the urge to just sit there and 放空。Maybe I was not in the mood of socialising. But I decided against it and headed straight up to meet the rest. Fast forward, I headed up to the second floor. I was honestly afraid that the building will close and the escalator and lights will suddenly shut down. Thankfully it did not. Made myself comfortable and did my solitude there. It was really nice, well lit, quiet, windy, there were tables and chairs. What a steal! heh

The passage that Weilin chose was Genesis 32-33. It is actually rather long and I spent quite some time on reading it 3 times, especially when I needed to read it out loud. I found that Jacob's state of mind was similar to mine. When faced with the fact that Esau is coming, he had fear, desperation and perhaps also suspicion. many people fight have focused on his wrestle with God. But the emotions were something that I was not foreign to. Needed to tune towards the next question - where was God in this? Actually, God has ALWAYS been with Jacob. He showed himself to Jacob, messengers that Jacob sent to talk to Esau came back safely, neither of the groups that Jacob broke into were lost. In actual fact, God kept His Word. When He asked Jacob to go back to his country and his relatives and He will make him prosper. No harm was befallen upon Jacob and his family. Many times, I am like Jacob. I will try to save myself, then pray that God blesses my 26 alphabetical plan. Though I know the promises of God, yet I always fall back on myself. Often or not, I doubt God. It is also through my own means that I seek my own path. 

Thus in light of my past experiences, where I always try to take matters into my own hands, or make decisions based on feeling. Currently as well, where I do not feel joyful or confident in the LORD, I would like to experience joy everyday, no matter the circumstances as well as in the future. 

To adjust my life by finding at least 1 thing everyday to be thankful and joyful about. Being intentional about it. Interestingly, a few weeks since the solitude has passed. Maybe the holidays are nearing, that is why I feel less pressured, more happy, but I do find myself reminding myself to find joy and give thanks. I did not write it down specifically per day, perhaps I should (I'm quite lazy), it also means reviving my old account on another platform that I use. we shall see :P But ever since the solitude, I feel a bit lighter. Was definitely time well spend and much needed from the hustle and bustle of life. 

= do something right =