The Residence

Completed Netflix series - The Residence today.

It was stunning and enjoyable (okay other than the expletives). But I really enjoyed every moment of it. It was masterfully taken and I like how Cordelia references the different birds, and also birding to doing detective work. 

Humor was also on point, very tongue-in-cheek, and sometimes, literal. 

While Murder is motive + opportunity.

 Detective work is focus + patience.

Really intrigue by how just waiting in between responses has the ability to allow one to fess up. Whether they crack under pressure or conscience, but waiting... it does give that element of uncertainty that for every character interviewed, they volunteer the information without her asking much. Of course she asked the right follow-up questions. I found myself slipping into the same mistake that Senator Fiklins did, when The Third Man - Patrick Doumbe replied during the hearing that he saw a man dragging the dead body from the Yellow Oval Room across the hallway. We immediately ask how did the man look like etc. But those were the wrong questions. We are usually so concerned about who did it that we overlook the why, the motive. The question that Cordelia wanted to know was why did he do it. 

Of course this is fiction, but I really like Cordelia Cupp. She is unassuming, she never jumps to a conclusion, unfazed by authority, stands her ground, yet she is still compassionate and cares for people. She is humane, and not just a murder-solving robot. Though fictitious, it also gives us a glimpse into the lives of the people who work in the White House. The staff, there are people who has poured their souls into serving the house (not just the President), but its really about the house, family and it being united. Though I would never want to be the Chief Usher. The amount of pressure, stress and verbal abuse he received - its also a driving factor of the show as it gave everyone a motive for his death. Not to mention how some has said it outright - 'I will kill you!'. 

Many complex relationships that you need to watch every episode in sequence to get the full picture. Really tastefully and masterfully done - if I were to nitpick, perhaps there can replace the expletives with some other words to show frustration and disdain. Then again, it could be their culture in the States. There was a tinge of female power there since the detective is female and there is also Senator Bix, who wanted to uncover the truth during the hearing. 

Recommended. They also drop some Agatha Christie references here and there  :)

Knives out, The Residence they will make my cut on the mystery list. Glass Onion.... not so much.

If you do not mind the expletives, you can give The Residence a shot.

= do something right =

All i wanted was just someone to talk to. To just sit and listen

And tell me, that it'll be okay.

That at least, I'm doing fine. 

That I'm trying and that is good enough.

...

Okay glad that i said it out.

 

It a new dawn

Its a new day

Its a new life

For me

And I'm feeling good  moot

The year started with crazy. Crazy busy, Crazy tough, Crazy tiring. Last week was this sense of restlessness, I thought busy would make me better. Apparently it did not. It did make time pass faster everyday, but I still have this sense of dread, looking for an escape. a breather, a break. 

Drop everything now.

Looking at the other careers on the portal, unfortunately, with my skillset... I really have no idea what I can do. Many jobs now require specialised skills or a certain degree.     

Sigh. let's see how it goes

= do something right =

Kites

Got reminded of the kite that I saw back in March. 

We're all like kites. Beautiful in our own ways. Yet we dislike being tied down. Our control being limited by this 'string'.

So we struggle against it. Using the wind as our help, we try to break free from this string that's pulling us back. 

Imagine, one day, we succeeded.

The kite has broken free from the clutches of its string. It's free to fly wherever it wants to go! Yipeee! That's true freedom!

Or is it not?

Unfortunately, we'll come to realise that we're at the mercy of the wind. Wherever it blows, we go. It'll bring us to places that we never wanted to go.

Like that kite, stuck in the tree. Helpless.

Kites are not meant to be in trees. They are meant to be flown, high in the sky.

Perhaps the string wasn't that bad. That push and pull, and the person controlling it knows what He is doing. When is a good time for the kite to fly, when is the time for rest. Keeping it safely for the next round. 

We're all like kites. Different shape and sizes but beautiful our own ways. Yet we need the master kite flyer to showcase what we're made of, and keep us safe.

= do something right =

The trouble with usefulness

It hit me. 

All my life, I've been trying to figure out my purpose in life. 

Maybe I was brought to this earth to bring joy to my parents.

When I search for a job, I want to be a 有用的人。Contributing to society. Finding a place, a reason for my existence. 

Finding value in my organization, to be wanted. Or needed rather. 

It hit when I chanced upon this post on Ig. On how to be useful for Christ. How we define usefulness and not how God defines usefulness. For me,  I define usefulness as utilising my strengths and talents. Why? Cause it makes me feel good! It makes me feel that I have value. The post says that usefulness is self-centered. Which can be true - when it's all about YOU. When God calls us to the mundane or do something that doesn't fall into our strength category, we struggle, we wrestle, we even feel sad. Why isn't God utilising my strengths? Unknowingly, we fall into wanting to dictate how God is going to use us.

The post also mentioned this -the only way to be useful to God is to let God dictate what He wants us to do (or not to do). It even says this: Jesus dying on the cross is never useful. But it was God's plan and He obeyed it to death

It also cites the 12 disciples are not useful people, yet Jesus still chose them. Hence the question - do you want to be useful in your eyes or faithful in His

Was quite a sobering truth and also it might be the antidote to the entire not doing enough in school or might become a disappointment thing. After all, the measure of success in the world is staggering intimidating and it always makes me feel even good enough or useful. 

But the post presented to me a new perspective (i mean, its something that I've kind of known, but to see it in words, it hits hard), the measure of men will never be the same in God's eyes. What may seem little to men, as long as it follows what God wants you to do, that is enough (not good enough in a sense, but what matters most).

= do something right = 

Quite a nostalgic day today. Seeing some familiar faces.

But I know that I don't really do well with big groups of people. Sometimes I feel that I am standing in the middle of a narrow bridge. But unsure which side to walk to. 

Dear God, still thank you for placing me in LOL. To meet the people I have met, to feel the feelings I felt. 世上虽然没有地方容纳我, 但we are not made for this earth. We don't belong here. We are made for eternity with you. Yet at different timings, you will still place people in my life to walk this journey with me. When I need a hand, I will always find one and there will always be safe spaces for me. Thank you for keep me out of harm's way and building a genuine spirit in me. I'm growing to be comfortable in my skin because you made me. I can also relate to people who feel left out and they might not be as blessed as me to know you. I pray that as LOL grows, may we not grow only in numbers, but grow bigger in heart. We might welcome a new era, I pray for more empathy, our generation will set their sights and hearts on you. As we mold the next generation, Lord please lead us. 

looking forward to what God is doing and will do.

= do something right =

There has been a few sermons on building the culture of the church recently. Though belonging to different series, but the core message is the same - to come together as one. When Ps Weilin touched on individualistic faith vs communal, she used puzzle pieces to depict the different roles making up one big picture of Christ. But when the puzzle pieces decide to not follow their specific roles, and want to be placed somewhere, the entire picture of Christ gets 'ruin'. Ps Wei Kai brought us through the model of belong > believe > become (or behave), it is not something that I am foreign to. There was also emphasis that our growth is important not just for ourselves, but for the people around you. 

I do believe and agree with what was shared. It is always easier to preach than to actually do it. Sometimes I really wonder if our congregation really understands what has been said to us, or they are just there to go through the motion and the message is just part of the program. Do they know that the message (and what I choose to believe), is what God wants to tell us, and the speaker is just a vessel? It isn't just Ps Wei Lin or Ps Wei Kai speaking, but God speaking through them? and perhaps why the messages keep sounding the same is because it is something that LOL currently lacks in. Maybe both leaders (not the pastors) and members alike? 所谓上梁不正，下梁歪

I have been pondering on some feelings I have and I got to admit, that it could be due to some expectations I have and that is why I would feel this way. For starters, church gives the impression that it should be the most welcoming place on earth (pardon the exaggeration), because the people in church are ambassadors of God's love. Oh but upon closer inspection, that is actually my expectation! As human beings, it is natural that we keep to our own comfortable circle of friends. Especially when you are introverted by nature (or age), not many of us have Alvin's superpower of interaction, even when we try our very best. Next is common topic, common life stage or common memories. I am honestly a very boring and quirky person. I can be interested in anything, yet also interested in nothing. Years of experience have taught me the right things to say to stay in the conversation, yet my ability to be transient as and when I want also allows me to slip away. Perhaps, nothing really interests me as I feel that the world or the things that we are exposing ourselves to are polluting our minds. What the people in the current congregation do, doesn't interest me, the things they talk about, the issues, they are what I see on a daily basis at work. The older friends who have left, they are either at a different stage of life, busy with kids or have created other common memories that I do not share. And lastly, need. The constant need to be needed, or maybe people only remembers me when I am needed. Yet we are all replaceable. So there is that dilemma there. Do I show myself as desperately wanting to help to quench my thirst of feeling needed, or offer different names to escape needing to be needed? 

Let's go back to Ps Wei Kai's model shall we? belong > believe > behave 

That is probably for new believers and yes, especially so for the younger generation. Everyone yearns to be in a community. Speakers often say, church is not a social club. yes it isn't. but that's what some people see it to be. A feel good, spiritual social club so that I will not feel too lonely on weekends. 

Anyways, for me, I think I stick to the older model believe > behave > belong. Maybe that is why I always feel that I am against the current. Of course I will feel good when my members feel belonged in the cell, but it makes me jumpy, not knowing why they behave in a certain manner and whether or not they know what they believe in. Perhaps, its the way I am being brought up, or maybe I have placed my expectation of cell and church high up on this pedestal. But when the feeling of belonging is not being met, the only thing that keeps me going of staying in a community, is the belief. Because it's God command and order and that is what is in the Bible.

In the previous paragraph, I mentioned about my expectation of church being the most welcoming place on earth. That is my flaw, that is an undue expectation and that is perhaps why I feel hurt and upset. Because my expectation is not met. It is indeed incredulous of me to have that expectation because church is also made up of imperfect people! So I just need to drop that expectation. 

It is okay to be part of the body of Christ, because God is the one who dictates you to be there. Not the other body parts. So then, what really is the issue?

All these feelings, cooped up inside of me. Wanting to feel belonged, but not being able to, though I tell myself it's okay, but sometimes feeling is it really okay? 

As I ponder deeper, the answer lies in my security in Christ. Am I secured enough to know that God is the one who placed me in this community, regardless of the way I perceive how they treat me? People do love me for who I am and I should not base their love for me on how many times they meet me or how quickly they reply me (just to name a few actions). 

Yet how do I not disregard what I am feeling? It's not easy to build a culture. Many times we are told that it starts with me. What if no one feels that there is a problem with the culture? Am I the issue? 

Anyways, this is my blog so I can share my own opinion. I speak for myself only. What I personally feel is that technology is to blame. In secondary school, my friends and I used to just sit somewhere and talk. We talk about everything. Homework, teachers, amine. We walked around, continue talking, commenting etc. Interaction took place. Constructive interaction. We were not glued to our phones watching somebody talking about things that doesn't make sense or played games that became our sole common topic. Sad to say, I hardly understand what the younger generation are saying now. Substituting words that don't mean what they really mean to form sentences that mean otherwise. Removing the phone or giving them the phone to do exactly what phones are supposed to do - call and text. Would probably be what I feel would have a significant impact. At least now, we won't be distracted by our machines. 

Self-centeredness. This is also something that I fall prey to. Maybe if people are a little less self centered, church would become a better place. A more welcoming place. Minus technology, we can fully connect with people. Our attention would not be drawn away, the content of what we talk about with perhaps become broader. 

But I'm still a work in progress. Reading emotionally healthy discipleship to get back on track. Especially the part about coming from a place of being, instead of purely doing. Sense that God is speaking to me through what I am going through and I do not want to be led by circumstances, situations and environment. Though I still fall into it sometimes. But I want to find security and joy in Christ. Definitely more work to be down. 

Was talking to my esthetician today. She said that other than being comfortable in cell, cell should also help you to grow. When you grow, you'll naturally feel uncomfortable, hence cell provides a safe space for you to do so. Maybe that's something a church can work towards to, especially when we are in God's business of growing spiritually matured Christians. Providing a safe space for people to do so, not focusing on self, but each other. 

= do something right =