This year's leadership journey has been the loneliest so far. 

In most years, it was tiring, feeling that I give without input, but at least we were kind of working altogether, as a team. But now, we are really having a working relationship. As much as LCG tries to mimic cell and all, its not working for me. 

It could be due to age, it could be due to interest, I do not see the purpose anymore. 

Things that people say to me now, I just take it at face value. It hard for me to kind of trust them (outside of work), anymore. 

Some might say, oh you need to be proactive, put yourself out there. Yeah I am sure people won't mind but how long can I keep doing that? Everyone is caught up in their own lives, to really care. 

Sadly as I look back, maybe I am the only one standing at the starting line. Back to square one. 

I told God that this year, I would like to learn how to work without the recognition of man, to serve without it. Maybe this is part of the training. For me to feel this sense of loneliness and spur me to draw closer to God. It does increase the number of times I talk to God about it. The number of times He encouraged me through the word. The number of times I see hope through Christ Jesus. As I grow older, I yearn for genuine friendships. I used to be a words person, but now, if you do not do what you say, then please do not say it. 

As I grow older, my sensitivity heightens. I am more sensitive to my feelings, and how sometimes when people do certain things (unintentionally), it makes me feel a certain way. With lots of feelings of condemnation, like its my fault, like how things will be better without me. But time and time again, God is there to remind me that no matter how others make me feel, I am loved by Him and I am created with a purpose. 

During cell yesterday, we read a material on community. It says that once you become a Christian, you automatically have the membership into a Christian community, whether you acknowledge, you like it or not, you are in one. There are 4 different ways to respond to it, avoidance (only dropping by once in a while), denial, criticism, harmoniously. With the last one being the hardest. The host of our home cell mentioned that it is definitely easier to love God, since God is perfect, but people, not so. And we are also not that lovable. Which is so true. 

I've kind of gotten used to doing things on my own. Okay to not be part of any group outings, maybe be the last to know certain things. I've started to keep to myself, I do not know if people would want to know what is going on in my life, it is pretty mundane. Though recently a bit rocky, but I know that it will pass. This year being my last year in leadership.. sometimes I wonder if I overstayed. They said to end things on a high, but I think I am doing the opposite. Ending at a low. Lowkey, low profile, I remind myself that I am not the main character. Jesus is. 

I do not need any honor, any gratitude. I apologise for being a burden, for not being 'good enough' and making mistakes. Its really not the words said, but what I have felt for quite some time, just this year magnified. Thankful for the opportunities, for the memories and for being cordial enough to let me into your lives, even if its just for a short while. I might not have made an impact in your life, but you guys have in mine, positively and negatively.

As I continue, in search of my purpose, I pray that there will come a day with breakthrough, where I learn to live with this sense of loneliness and yet feel contented. Like what Pastor shared during Saturday's sermon - that he is not his anxiety and his anxiety is not me. I am not my loneliness, my loneliness is not me. Rather, in Christ, I am a child of God who experience far more loneliness than others. 

= do something right =