This year's leadership journey has been the loneliest so far. 

In most years, it was tiring, feeling that I give without input, but at least we were kind of working altogether, as a team. But now, we are really having a working relationship. As much as LCG tries to mimic cell and all, its not working for me. 

It could be due to age, it could be due to interest, I do not see the purpose anymore. 

Things that people say to me now, I just take it at face value. It hard for me to kind of trust them (outside of work), anymore. 

Some might say, oh you need to be proactive, put yourself out there. Yeah I am sure people won't mind but how long can I keep doing that? Everyone is caught up in their own lives, to really care. 

Sadly as I look back, maybe I am the only one standing at the starting line. Back to square one. 

I told God that this year, I would like to learn how to work without the recognition of man, to serve without it. Maybe this is part of the training. For me to feel this sense of loneliness and spur me to draw closer to God. It does increase the number of times I talk to God about it. The number of times He encouraged me through the word. The number of times I see hope through Christ Jesus. As I grow older, I yearn for genuine friendships. I used to be a words person, but now, if you do not do what you say, then please do not say it. 

As I grow older, my sensitivity heightens. I am more sensitive to my feelings, and how sometimes when people do certain things (unintentionally), it makes me feel a certain way. With lots of feelings of condemnation, like its my fault, like how things will be better without me. But time and time again, God is there to remind me that no matter how others make me feel, I am loved by Him and I am created with a purpose. 

During cell yesterday, we read a material on community. It says that once you become a Christian, you automatically have the membership into a Christian community, whether you acknowledge, you like it or not, you are in one. There are 4 different ways to respond to it, avoidance (only dropping by once in a while), denial, criticism, harmoniously. With the last one being the hardest. The host of our home cell mentioned that it is definitely easier to love God, since God is perfect, but people, not so. And we are also not that lovable. Which is so true. 

I've kind of gotten used to doing things on my own. Okay to not be part of any group outings, maybe be the last to know certain things. I've started to keep to myself, I do not know if people would want to know what is going on in my life, it is pretty mundane. Though recently a bit rocky, but I know that it will pass. This year being my last year in leadership.. sometimes I wonder if I overstayed. They said to end things on a high, but I think I am doing the opposite. Ending at a low. Lowkey, low profile, I remind myself that I am not the main character. Jesus is. 

I do not need any honor, any gratitude. I apologise for being a burden, for not being 'good enough' and making mistakes. Its really not the words said, but what I have felt for quite some time, just this year magnified. Thankful for the opportunities, for the memories and for being cordial enough to let me into your lives, even if its just for a short while. I might not have made an impact in your life, but you guys have in mine, positively and negatively.

As I continue, in search of my purpose, I pray that there will come a day with breakthrough, where I learn to live with this sense of loneliness and yet feel contented. Like what Pastor shared during Saturday's sermon - that he is not his anxiety and his anxiety is not me. I am not my loneliness, my loneliness is not me. Rather, in Christ, I am a child of God who experience far more loneliness than others. 

= do something right =

 My birthday wish for this year,

other than getting closer and closer to Christ,

more people to know Christ

my parents (relatives and in-laws) stay healthy and happy

is to spend quality time with the people who care about me. not because they need to, but because they want to.

its really true, when they say people don't care how much you know unless you show them how much you care. of course it would be great if people know and care about me. but i guess you cannot have the best of both worlds.

= do something right =

 Realised that I see people the way I think they'll see me. 

Talking to God this morning. As usual, it's hard for me to sit and be still, started talking to Him about my feelings, the fact that I don't really know how to help at work but people expect me to know  cause I'm trained. Also about my feelings of like not having the passion to serve God's people anymore. Like seeing people going to camp to transform lives and getting their lives transformed instead. 

Don't get me wrong. I'm happy for them. On my end, I'm just maybe indifferent? I also don't feel anything for missions. No heart for a certain group of people to want to like go to their country to help. Its really like doing community work for me. 

On a deeper note, I think it's my way of dealing with this sense of loneliness, of being in a community but not with a community. This strong sense education abandonment, maybe from things that people had said to me before, how I'm not good enough, how I'm not anyone's first choice. Of course I have the best parents, but this void cannot be filed by anyone, not even my husband. It's something much deeper, more supernatural and I need to deal with this. Need a radical shift in mindset and perspective. 

JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE DOESN'T 'CHOOSE' ME, DOESN'T ME I'M NOT THEIR FRIEND.

lol. Caps by accident but thought it quite apt. 

I need to learn to see how people are made differently, think differently and just BE with them. Sometimes, that might be what our students need. They really come with so much baggage, yet, they are not able to process it. 

I also miss having a community or rather just a group of people working together for a common goal. Like the camaraderie, knowing the purpose, that though it's tough, but we will get through it. That's what I enjoy. 

God, maybe be you're shaping me and dealing with my inner being.  Like how my goal or lesson this year is to look towards you instead of the eyes of men. Also, I need to be thankful to the people you have placed in my life. I believe that as long as I reach out to them, they'll respond to me and will be willing to spend time with me :)

I'm not being created to be abandoned. If I was, then why would I be created in the first place? GOD YOU HAVE PLANS TO PROSPER ME. Good plans. 

I need to keep seeking you, to do what you need me to do, be it at work, home, or church. 

Of course to BE. Sometimes it's just to be still. Know you're God and exalt you. 

To exalt means to place you in the highest regard, the highest place, not because you want to, but because you deserve it and only you are worthy.

I usually just hear the words be still and know that I am God. But today, I read on,  Psalm 46:10 ESV

[10] “Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!”

There is a second part that we missed. We be still and know that you are God, we know that you are most powerful and sovereign. Its something that we always say, but a lesson to keep learning. 

Thank you Jesus. Thank you for loving me and sending people to love me. Though they might love me in different ways, but it's through them that I get to experience you as well. Help me to change discern the lies the devil says. I know that I'm your child and you made me for a reason. Help me to turn my eyes on you and you alone, not to seek validation from people. Hold my hand and walk with me, hold me when I falter, Father Lord, help me for I'm weak, but you are strong. I pray all this in the mighty name of Jesus Christ, amen!

= do something right =

 Trying hard not to compare myself with others o gain validation, self-worth and reason to stay where I am.

Its tough, but I believe that I can do it.

Everyone is placed in a specific role.

Just that... the impression I give others is that 'I can do it!' where sometimes, I really want some care and people to look out for me too.

I also wonder... about certain life choices made. But I want to believe that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him. His goodness is not shaped by our choices or circumstances. He is always good.

= do something right =

Completed the book 'Eight Detectives' by Alex Pavesi

It is essentially a book filled with 7 short mysteries with 'clues' or references made to one overarching mystery at the end. Certainly some twists here and there, a little gory with matured themes too.

What drew me to the book initially was how a mathematician could break down how a murder mystery is being constructed, using mathematical terms.

Each of his mystery showed the permutation that he came up with, using a venn diagram. According to him, a murder mystery has 4 important elements -suspects, killers, detectives, victims. you need at like 2 suspects. the permutations also consisted of the suspects being the killers, detectives being the killers, the suspect being the killer being the detectives and also the victims. Its quite confusing sometimes... also depicts my relationship with maths haha. 

I think it was an okay read, not the most nerve racking or a page turner.. but it definitely brought me back to reading.

that's all folks.

= do something right =

The Residence

Completed Netflix series - The Residence today.

It was stunning and enjoyable (okay other than the expletives). But I really enjoyed every moment of it. It was masterfully taken and I like how Cordelia references the different birds, and also birding to doing detective work. 

Humor was also on point, very tongue-in-cheek, and sometimes, literal. 

While Murder is motive + opportunity.

 Detective work is focus + patience.

Really intrigue by how just waiting in between responses has the ability to allow one to fess up. Whether they crack under pressure or conscience, but waiting... it does give that element of uncertainty that for every character interviewed, they volunteer the information without her asking much. Of course she asked the right follow-up questions. I found myself slipping into the same mistake that Senator Fiklins did, when The Third Man - Patrick Doumbe replied during the hearing that he saw a man dragging the dead body from the Yellow Oval Room across the hallway. We immediately ask how did the man look like etc. But those were the wrong questions. We are usually so concerned about who did it that we overlook the why, the motive. The question that Cordelia wanted to know was why did he do it. 

Of course this is fiction, but I really like Cordelia Cupp. She is unassuming, she never jumps to a conclusion, unfazed by authority, stands her ground, yet she is still compassionate and cares for people. She is humane, and not just a murder-solving robot. Though fictitious, it also gives us a glimpse into the lives of the people who work in the White House. The staff, there are people who has poured their souls into serving the house (not just the President), but its really about the house, family and it being united. Though I would never want to be the Chief Usher. The amount of pressure, stress and verbal abuse he received - its also a driving factor of the show as it gave everyone a motive for his death. Not to mention how some has said it outright - 'I will kill you!'. 

Many complex relationships that you need to watch every episode in sequence to get the full picture. Really tastefully and masterfully done - if I were to nitpick, perhaps there can replace the expletives with some other words to show frustration and disdain. Then again, it could be their culture in the States. There was a tinge of female power there since the detective is female and there is also Senator Bix, who wanted to uncover the truth during the hearing. 

Recommended. They also drop some Agatha Christie references here and there  :)

Knives out, The Residence they will make my cut on the mystery list. Glass Onion.... not so much.

If you do not mind the expletives, you can give The Residence a shot.

= do something right =

All i wanted was just someone to talk to. To just sit and listen

And tell me, that it'll be okay.

That at least, I'm doing fine. 

That I'm trying and that is good enough.

...

Okay glad that i said it out.