Realised that I see people the way I think they'll see me. 

Talking to God this morning. As usual, it's hard for me to sit and be still, started talking to Him about my feelings, the fact that I don't really know how to help at work but people expect me to know  cause I'm trained. Also about my feelings of like not having the passion to serve God's people anymore. Like seeing people going to camp to transform lives and getting their lives transformed instead. 

Don't get me wrong. I'm happy for them. On my end, I'm just maybe indifferent? I also don't feel anything for missions. No heart for a certain group of people to want to like go to their country to help. Its really like doing community work for me. 

On a deeper note, I think it's my way of dealing with this sense of loneliness, of being in a community but not with a community. This strong sense education abandonment, maybe from things that people had said to me before, how I'm not good enough, how I'm not anyone's first choice. Of course I have the best parents, but this void cannot be filed by anyone, not even my husband. It's something much deeper, more supernatural and I need to deal with this. Need a radical shift in mindset and perspective. 

JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE DOESN'T 'CHOOSE' ME, DOESN'T ME I'M NOT THEIR FRIEND.

lol. Caps by accident but thought it quite apt. 

I need to learn to see how people are made differently, think differently and just BE with them. Sometimes, that might be what our students need. They really come with so much baggage, yet, they are not able to process it. 

I also miss having a community or rather just a group of people working together for a common goal. Like the camaraderie, knowing the purpose, that though it's tough, but we will get through it. That's what I enjoy. 

God, maybe be you're shaping me and dealing with my inner being.  Like how my goal or lesson this year is to look towards you instead of the eyes of men. Also, I need to be thankful to the people you have placed in my life. I believe that as long as I reach out to them, they'll respond to me and will be willing to spend time with me :)

I'm not being created to be abandoned. If I was, then why would I be created in the first place? GOD YOU HAVE PLANS TO PROSPER ME. Good plans. 

I need to keep seeking you, to do what you need me to do, be it at work, home, or church. 

Of course to BE. Sometimes it's just to be still. Know you're God and exalt you. 

To exalt means to place you in the highest regard, the highest place, not because you want to, but because you deserve it and only you are worthy.

I usually just hear the words be still and know that I am God. But today, I read on,  Psalm 46:10 ESV

[10] “Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!”

There is a second part that we missed. We be still and know that you are God, we know that you are most powerful and sovereign. Its something that we always say, but a lesson to keep learning. 

Thank you Jesus. Thank you for loving me and sending people to love me. Though they might love me in different ways, but it's through them that I get to experience you as well. Help me to change discern the lies the devil says. I know that I'm your child and you made me for a reason. Help me to turn my eyes on you and you alone, not to seek validation from people. Hold my hand and walk with me, hold me when I falter, Father Lord, help me for I'm weak, but you are strong. I pray all this in the mighty name of Jesus Christ, amen!

= do something right =

 Trying hard not to compare myself with others o gain validation, self-worth and reason to stay where I am.

Its tough, but I believe that I can do it.

Everyone is placed in a specific role.

Just that... the impression I give others is that 'I can do it!' where sometimes, I really want some care and people to look out for me too.

I also wonder... about certain life choices made. But I want to believe that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him. His goodness is not shaped by our choices or circumstances. He is always good.

= do something right =

Completed the book 'Eight Detectives' by Alex Pavesi

It is essentially a book filled with 7 short mysteries with 'clues' or references made to one overarching mystery at the end. Certainly some twists here and there, a little gory with matured themes too.

What drew me to the book initially was how a mathematician could break down how a murder mystery is being constructed, using mathematical terms.

Each of his mystery showed the permutation that he came up with, using a venn diagram. According to him, a murder mystery has 4 important elements -suspects, killers, detectives, victims. you need at like 2 suspects. the permutations also consisted of the suspects being the killers, detectives being the killers, the suspect being the killer being the detectives and also the victims. Its quite confusing sometimes... also depicts my relationship with maths haha. 

I think it was an okay read, not the most nerve racking or a page turner.. but it definitely brought me back to reading.

that's all folks.

= do something right =

The Residence

Completed Netflix series - The Residence today.

It was stunning and enjoyable (okay other than the expletives). But I really enjoyed every moment of it. It was masterfully taken and I like how Cordelia references the different birds, and also birding to doing detective work. 

Humor was also on point, very tongue-in-cheek, and sometimes, literal. 

While Murder is motive + opportunity.

 Detective work is focus + patience.

Really intrigue by how just waiting in between responses has the ability to allow one to fess up. Whether they crack under pressure or conscience, but waiting... it does give that element of uncertainty that for every character interviewed, they volunteer the information without her asking much. Of course she asked the right follow-up questions. I found myself slipping into the same mistake that Senator Fiklins did, when The Third Man - Patrick Doumbe replied during the hearing that he saw a man dragging the dead body from the Yellow Oval Room across the hallway. We immediately ask how did the man look like etc. But those were the wrong questions. We are usually so concerned about who did it that we overlook the why, the motive. The question that Cordelia wanted to know was why did he do it. 

Of course this is fiction, but I really like Cordelia Cupp. She is unassuming, she never jumps to a conclusion, unfazed by authority, stands her ground, yet she is still compassionate and cares for people. She is humane, and not just a murder-solving robot. Though fictitious, it also gives us a glimpse into the lives of the people who work in the White House. The staff, there are people who has poured their souls into serving the house (not just the President), but its really about the house, family and it being united. Though I would never want to be the Chief Usher. The amount of pressure, stress and verbal abuse he received - its also a driving factor of the show as it gave everyone a motive for his death. Not to mention how some has said it outright - 'I will kill you!'. 

Many complex relationships that you need to watch every episode in sequence to get the full picture. Really tastefully and masterfully done - if I were to nitpick, perhaps there can replace the expletives with some other words to show frustration and disdain. Then again, it could be their culture in the States. There was a tinge of female power there since the detective is female and there is also Senator Bix, who wanted to uncover the truth during the hearing. 

Recommended. They also drop some Agatha Christie references here and there  :)

Knives out, The Residence they will make my cut on the mystery list. Glass Onion.... not so much.

If you do not mind the expletives, you can give The Residence a shot.

= do something right =

All i wanted was just someone to talk to. To just sit and listen

And tell me, that it'll be okay.

That at least, I'm doing fine. 

That I'm trying and that is good enough.

...

Okay glad that i said it out.

 

It a new dawn

Its a new day

Its a new life

For me

And I'm feeling good  moot

The year started with crazy. Crazy busy, Crazy tough, Crazy tiring. Last week was this sense of restlessness, I thought busy would make me better. Apparently it did not. It did make time pass faster everyday, but I still have this sense of dread, looking for an escape. a breather, a break. 

Drop everything now.

Looking at the other careers on the portal, unfortunately, with my skillset... I really have no idea what I can do. Many jobs now require specialised skills or a certain degree.     

Sigh. let's see how it goes

= do something right =

Kites

Got reminded of the kite that I saw back in March. 

We're all like kites. Beautiful in our own ways. Yet we dislike being tied down. Our control being limited by this 'string'.

So we struggle against it. Using the wind as our help, we try to break free from this string that's pulling us back. 

Imagine, one day, we succeeded.

The kite has broken free from the clutches of its string. It's free to fly wherever it wants to go! Yipeee! That's true freedom!

Or is it not?

Unfortunately, we'll come to realise that we're at the mercy of the wind. Wherever it blows, we go. It'll bring us to places that we never wanted to go.

Like that kite, stuck in the tree. Helpless.

Kites are not meant to be in trees. They are meant to be flown, high in the sky.

Perhaps the string wasn't that bad. That push and pull, and the person controlling it knows what He is doing. When is a good time for the kite to fly, when is the time for rest. Keeping it safely for the next round. 

We're all like kites. Different shape and sizes but beautiful our own ways. Yet we need the master kite flyer to showcase what we're made of, and keep us safe.

= do something right =