Just wanted to record this amazing thing.

So I will curate and push out bi-monthly newsletters to my school, to share with them about the different SEN and also some strategies that will (hopefully) help them in class.

I will credit the website or the book that I took these strategies from.

Interestingly, one of my avid readers is actually my school's OM. Just as I was leaving school today, he called me and showed me the book that I adapted the strategies from. He was the last person I would expect to read my newsletter, let alone purchase a book on managing behaviour for sec school students!

I asked him why did he buy the book? He could have borrowed it from me if he wants to read it. He said that he wanted his own copy so that he can write down notes in the book and show his wife. He shared that both his children are in their teenage years and he felt that he book can be useful in the way he communicates with his children. We manage to have a short discussion where I also highlighted some ideas from the book which I found to be useful and he also acknowledge that it takes us as adults to change the way we speak and also know how to regulate our emotions before we communicate with the younger ones.

WOW! God really works in amazing ways. Pushing out this newsletter was just part of 'doing my job' and an attempt in educating the teaching fraternity. Sometimes I doubt that the teachers even read. Maybe the email just ends up in their junk folder. Yet, our OM. Someone who deals more with contractors and cleaners, bothered to read and found it useful for himself and his family. Even willing to go the extra mile to get the book. WOW! It is really God working when you least expect it and God can take something even as mundane as this to impact someone or help someone in need.

= do something right =

To be reshaped by the potter

Went through Experiencing God, Unit 5 Day 3 today. It was a pivotal moment for me and I want to document it down. 

Q4 Write what God has recently revealed to you about His Character. How have you responded?

Ever since my dad's accident and also not being able to study speech therapy twice, my view of God changed.

God, you felt like someone who could take away anything from me as you please, even though I felt that I was being 'a good Christian'. I have been performing and trying to control you. Using how the world works on you. That was also when I started to see you as having two sides. 

The kind and merciful one, and the angry and sadistic one. When I read the Bible, there were times where I misread your wrath as being evil. But upon closer look, your wrath was against the people who have left your laws. They were the ones who let you down in the first place. You did not deviate from your nature at all. You are gracious and merciful, yet just and holy. 

Almost losing someone whom I love so dearly really threw me off the edge. In that moment, I lost all control. I could not understand how a God who says He loves us so much, would want to see us in pain!

back then, speech therapy was also something that I really wanted. Perhaps it was the first thing that I desired for so much in my life. Yet when the answer was no, twice, I felt like I was floating. It was like telling you, ' This was the one thing which I desired the most in my life. Yes you wouldn't give it to me. You know how hard I worked for this. You know how much effort. Yes you still couldn't come through for me.'

All these experiences made you seem like a taker, never a giver. My sense of self-righteousness grew. Your character, your true character blurred from my mind. 

Of course there were times where I fully trusted in you, especially when it was investing in the lives of your people.

These incidents happened in 2017-2019. The busyness of the days have left them buried deep down. But recently, reaching another juncture in life has raked them up again. Doing and going through 'Experiencing God' is slowly rewiring my brain. 

I know that my brain and heart is disconnected. Hence the repair work has begun.

Before I can know your ways and purposes, I need to know you, God first.

This goes way back to building the relationship with you. It also goes back to the pottery wheel, being reshaped and moulded by you.

God, you are doing a pruning in me.

Taking away the thorns in my heart, giving me fresh breath of life. You are my Father, my strength, the God of truth, my Healer and I want to love you for who you are. 

Jeremiah 18:3-4 3 So I went down to the potter's house, and there he was working at his wheel. 4 And the vessel he was making of clay was spoiled in the potter's hand, and he reworked it into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to do.

God's ways are redemptive, I believe in that.

If you have been checking my blog for updates regularly, I apologise for the lack of it. I am rebuilding my relationship with God, loving Him for who He is, instead of what He can give me. 

Another thing that I admitted to God was also the fear of not being to deliver what is expected of me. This is also a factor in my escapist mindset and also the need for change. My thoughts are - the longer I stay, the more mistakes I am bound to make, the more they are going to find out that I am not capable and the more things they have to 'blackmail' me with. Blackmail not in a sense to extort money, but more of expectations blackmail. E.g. you are an experienced xxx you are supposed to be able to .... as compared to when you are still starting out, there is a threshold for you to make mistake. Not being able to perform well with confidence if also something I fear. Hence, the performance trap. The emotion I fear the most, is disappointment. Disappointment that comes from anybody, including myself. That is also why I clarify a lot. Cause I need to be very clear what is required of me. The fearless to try anything diminished as I grew older. I was not like that when I was younger. Yes, I still dislike being a disappointment, but I had a 'just do it' attitude. try only. But now that I am older, the repercussions seems too much to bear, too troublesome to troubleshoot and too heavy a price to pay. 

I think Day 3 also enlightened me about planning and how my relationship with God is far more important than planning, delivering, basically anything in the world. Hence, I should not be caught in this performance trap. Rather, I need to stay close in my relationship with God so that when He reveals His purposes and plans to me, I will be ready. He approaches me to follow Him and to accomplish what He wants through me, by His ways. There is a lot of application in this and I am also learning day by day. 

It all starts with knowing God and who He is. 

I love this statement from the book: God created us for an eternal love relationship. Life is our opportunity to experience Him at work.

= do something right =

Been a while since I visited this space. Pretty occupied with stuff lately.

Trying hard to have life after work. Catching up with friends mainly. Just something to look forward to, other than work.

Thankful for the trip to Desaru during the March holidays where I got to carry and hold many different furry friends. Like skunk, raccoon, bamboo rat, baby goat, just to name a few. But my favourite would definitely be the gecko. Its so tiny and well kept!

Had a time of solitude with XF as well. She is a really great colleague to have and spur each other on. She will be missed when she goes to Sped school in the near future. I have no idea where I will be.

Currently having many mixed emotions. Managed to speak to Weilin about it. Established that its due to me being caught in the performance trap.

Its like I am performing at work, and also in church. Just afraid that people would think that I am not doing enough. Also starting to lose a bit of the heart in the work. Could be because others are like taking up Masters, courses, while I am still unsure of what I am doing. Not really confident. really do not like to do things that I am not confident in. :/

But like what my school counsellor said. If you can name the emotion you own the emotion. So being able to know that I am being stuck in their performance trap has been liberating. It is akin to knowing 'what is wrong with me' and what is causing me to feel this way. 

Its a battle daily, but I bring it to the altar daily. I tell God how I feel and seek His forgiveness and His strength. If it wasn't for His saving grace, I do not know where I will be. The battle continues...

still searching a little for what is to come, though i'm suppose to wait upon Him.

= do something right =

Just going to slide into my blog for while. Been busy such that I do not really have time to log on to my computer and even if I do, it really is to catch up on some admin. 

Okay other than the fact that I completed my drama over during CNY. Such a no-brainer show. Love it!

No scheming third parties, no cruel mother-in-law, just two lovebirds and 9-ball/snooker. Don't need to think. Just 姨母笑 all the way when watching. Of course I read the online version and they changed it a bit to suit the setting plus they went to Finland instead of the States to shoot the scene. Will recommend if you are looking for just a show to watch. Literally. not use brain or strong storyline or what. just pure entertainment. can try - 在暴雪时分. But I am impressed by the 9-ball/snooker scenes. Cause the actors really did the scenes themselves though it might have taken them many many many tries for that shot. SO really kudos for their professionalism.

Currently still reading the book that Nic sent me. Ironically, its suppose to take 5 days - cause Monday to Friday. But each chapter is quite long and rich and I need time to process. But it is interesting! Will continue on. 

Work has been okay, trying to deal with some emotions, praying and sharing with XF and Esther helps :) One thing that I find strange this year is that... okay yes, the year is passing by fast BUT, I feel that the term is so longgg, like it is only week 9 of TERM 1. There are still 3 more terms. Aiyoooo... as compared to last year, where *snap* the term FLEW by. Ironically, I have more work to do this year.. but I feel that time is slower. Last year I have no idea what I was doing, except cell stuff... but time passed by sooo fast!

Cannot wait for my short trip in March! Going to be a chill one.

with that, signing off

= do something right =

Hehe okie, I am definitely more relaxed now. Cause it will be holiday the next few days :)

Was still feeling overwhelmed, but I thank God for placing Godly people in my life to journey with me. The Tei brothers sending me messages separately. having my colleague praying with me at the start of the week and also talking to another about some things that I am facing at work. Community is definitely important and also managed to talk to God. 

But I know that there will still be days where I will feel like ugh. haha but started on the book that Nic sent me. sigh suppose to read one book per month. but i am like halfway through 1... and starting on another >.< nvm, i'll get there soon soon. 

Also! watching a new drama now. 有帅哥美女看 makes me happy too hahah. 

So good so far! :D thanks for praying and looking out for me! appreciate it!

= do something right =

This week has been overwhelming.

There is no one in church that I can turn to to really talk about how I am feeling. Everyone is busy with their own lives and I do not want to burden anyone. Managed to off load a bit to May, but even so, I do not want to trouble her as she has other priorities in life right now. 

This is perhaps the only space and outlet, besides talking to God. 

How I wish I can be like Ps Nic, taking one month off to recalibrate and realign and rest. December was a crazy month for me. What about my honeymoon? You say. It was good. But the chats were going on and on and on and I cannot not reply because not one else is going to reply if I don't. Till the point where my husband remarked 'you asked me not to look at my work phone and here you are, looking at yours.' DC really really drove me crazy. I really do not understand why there are so many leaders BUT no one is moving, or everyone is moving in different directions. Or maybe I am just bad at coordinating everything. Even though it has been 1 month since it happened, but I feel that I am still living in the aftermath of it. I feel very burn out and not given enough time to recuperate. Then its Jan again and its even more intense this month. With work, new processes, new cell members. My health has not been great. Been popping pills every other day. Yes, pills. 

Its really been work, cell, but thank God that I managed to put in some friend catching up here and there. But my mind is always 24/7 work and cell. Things to do, to follow up, to prepare. 

Really feel like quitting life. It has been tiring and there are just so so so many things pent up inside. Maybe not quitting life per se, but quitting responsibilities. You know people, whom when you give them responsibilities, they will be motivated to do well and start glowing? I think I am the opposite. Responsibility can be my achilles heel. The more responsibilities, the more burden. It could be because of expectation, or the imposter syndrome, or living up to people's expectation. Actually the latter two, not so much anymore. I honestly do not really care what people think of me already. Maybe I care too much about how other people feel. 

There have been times where I just want to say 'no' to pastors (okay, I need to apologise, I cannot really say no at work, cause... if I do, then I am really not doing my job). Then why can say no to pastors? which I have not. But treading very very fine line. I am not saying no cause...well the member is under my care, though I feel that it would be easier if the pastors just reach out to the member directly.. but nvm, I am okay to do it. Just in that moment, when you are suffering from a runny nose and a stiff neck and you really do not feel your best, you just want to put down everything, and sleep with no worries. but it is so so so hard. I really cannot recall a time when I am able to sleep soundly. not once. maybe I should probably pop the yellow pill to knock myself out. But so far, I am still fighting against a lot of moments where I just want to say no. 

What I would like now is really rest and worry-free. Hmm.. kind of goes against what Ps Weilin preached. An untouched life will not bear fruits. I think I am probably in the struggling mode, still hanging on to what rope there is left. But I feel better, being able to type it out. Being the oldest in LOL (minus teacher's cell), its hard to find people to talk to and share about what I am going through. LCG has also been very touch and go. Material based. It is supposed to mimic cell... does that mean, that is how my cell has been? very touch and go? probably. truth be told, I think my ALs can connect to them better than me. I mean duh. The age gap is real and the things that they do, like gaming do not interest me. In addition... these are the games that my students in school play too and that is also giving rise to addiction. Unlike Alvin and ZT, who plays the games and Althea, who serves in KKidz, so she kind of also know them and the gap is not very big, there are able to start a conversation with the members. On the other hand, I am also someone who is comfortable with silence. Like sitting in a table with 4 of my cell members and not talking (hasn't happen yet, just an example, but close!) Sometimes, I am also limited by my own thinking. Sigh. maybe I am the problem. I just feel like, everything has been about doing. BUT IF I DON'T DO, WHO WILL? 

Its really back to having the same feeling I felt last month during the entire DC prep. Too many cooks spoil the soup, but the soup will not cook on its own and this soup pot is also very big. By God's grace it turned out fine. But it was a really draining time. 

This year, I also understand that my ALs have their own struggles and their own lives to lead. Hence I am trying not to tax them, it feels like they have a lot going on while I am really just working and cell. My life (or what is left of it), is not very vibrant. It just feels very moody and gloomy. I really hope that things will be better soon. 

Been reading Genesis, cause after Experiencing God session 2, I realised that the story starts with God, not me. I'm perhaps that supporting character that the main lead always needs to help, or like the main lead's drinking buddy lol. My life is a mess, my brain is in a mess, yet the pile of things to finish is still there. The world does not stop for you to get your game together before it moves on. It just moves on. Praying that I will continue to have green leaves even though I am feeling the heat. (not to mention, white hair sprouting out). 

Really need to walk with God, just like how Adam and Eve did. 

Currently in the storm, 
but in the eye that's where peace is found. 
In the arms of my Saviour, 
Jesus Christ my Lord without a frown.
Help me O Lord to stay close to you,
even when thunder roars and lightning drowns.

Like a gentle breeze you caress my head,

comforting me that you are with me, 

even unto the ends of this town.

= do something right =

One day at a time, One step at a time with God

 Finally have some time to visit this space. The last 3 weeks of Jan have been really hectic. But I guess being busy is also a blessing. Time passes fast, you find time passed more meaningfully. 

Did a lot of groundwork for my presentation today. Quite thankful that colleagues found it useful. Really thank God for His grace and mercy thus far. 

This post would be quite boring as other than work... I did more work. One thing is for sure though, I definitely need more rest. I feel that I used all my energy in December (for the Christmas DC), that I did not really have enough time to recharge before I took on the brunt of Jan again. Hence my nose is not doing well and it is not exactly healthy to be popping pills every other day. DC last year was just... tiring. Too many cooks, spoil the soup, but I cannot have cooks who do not cook. Tiring to rest as much as I can now and also doing the book 'Experience God' really helps to keep me in check. 

The book helps me to refocus and realign what having a relationship with God truly means. Apart from the mind-blowing truth, the realities are also helping. Especially when days gets busier and drier, but knowing that God is ALWAYS working around us comforts me. Also, one part which I took away from last week's unit was the fact that God already knows that we can't YET He still wants to fulfil his purpose through us! He did not throw us away. It also tells me that I do not need to put on a false front like I have gotten everything together, since HE already knows that I cannot do anything. Apart from Him, we can really do nothing. 

Trying to keep myself sane during this hectic schedule, so I managed to catch up with CC last Friday with le hubs. Nice candid chat:) This year I would probably try to meet a least 1 old friend (old meaning > 8 years of friendship), and also if possible, make a new friend or get to know a new friend deeper. 

Also thankful to XF, my support buddy in school. We started a routine of praying together every Monday morning in my office to help set the tone right for the week. Come what may, but we want to clinch the victory that God already has for us. 

Many new plans coming up, but taking it one day at a time, one step at a time (its a theme that has been occurring to me since the end of last year and also reiterated in Experience God Unit 1. Really a message to hold on this year One day at a time, One step at a time with God. He will reveal His plans.

= do something right=