Realised that I see people the way I think they'll see me. 

Talking to God this morning. As usual, it's hard for me to sit and be still, started talking to Him about my feelings, the fact that I don't really know how to help at work but people expect me to know  cause I'm trained. Also about my feelings of like not having the passion to serve God's people anymore. Like seeing people going to camp to transform lives and getting their lives transformed instead. 

Don't get me wrong. I'm happy for them. On my end, I'm just maybe indifferent? I also don't feel anything for missions. No heart for a certain group of people to want to like go to their country to help. Its really like doing community work for me. 

On a deeper note, I think it's my way of dealing with this sense of loneliness, of being in a community but not with a community. This strong sense education abandonment, maybe from things that people had said to me before, how I'm not good enough, how I'm not anyone's first choice. Of course I have the best parents, but this void cannot be filed by anyone, not even my husband. It's something much deeper, more supernatural and I need to deal with this. Need a radical shift in mindset and perspective. 

JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE DOESN'T 'CHOOSE' ME, DOESN'T ME I'M NOT THEIR FRIEND.

lol. Caps by accident but thought it quite apt. 

I need to learn to see how people are made differently, think differently and just BE with them. Sometimes, that might be what our students need. They really come with so much baggage, yet, they are not able to process it. 

I also miss having a community or rather just a group of people working together for a common goal. Like the camaraderie, knowing the purpose, that though it's tough, but we will get through it. That's what I enjoy. 

God, maybe be you're shaping me and dealing with my inner being.  Like how my goal or lesson this year is to look towards you instead of the eyes of men. Also, I need to be thankful to the people you have placed in my life. I believe that as long as I reach out to them, they'll respond to me and will be willing to spend time with me :)

I'm not being created to be abandoned. If I was, then why would I be created in the first place? GOD YOU HAVE PLANS TO PROSPER ME. Good plans. 

I need to keep seeking you, to do what you need me to do, be it at work, home, or church. 

Of course to BE. Sometimes it's just to be still. Know you're God and exalt you. 

To exalt means to place you in the highest regard, the highest place, not because you want to, but because you deserve it and only you are worthy.

I usually just hear the words be still and know that I am God. But today, I read on,  Psalm 46:10 ESV

[10] “Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!”

There is a second part that we missed. We be still and know that you are God, we know that you are most powerful and sovereign. Its something that we always say, but a lesson to keep learning. 

Thank you Jesus. Thank you for loving me and sending people to love me. Though they might love me in different ways, but it's through them that I get to experience you as well. Help me to change discern the lies the devil says. I know that I'm your child and you made me for a reason. Help me to turn my eyes on you and you alone, not to seek validation from people. Hold my hand and walk with me, hold me when I falter, Father Lord, help me for I'm weak, but you are strong. I pray all this in the mighty name of Jesus Christ, amen!

= do something right =