and so the tears fall.. (literally in my heart)
was i wrong to go back there? i promise to help you. but the more i dive into it.. the deeper i go, the more hurt i get.
i know.. i just want to understand, to know more about what happened.. but.. i'm afraid that i cannot take the pain. i may not have the strength to carry on. the only choice i have is to leave you. completely. to delete your name, your number, your face, your contact, your smile, your everything from my memory. that's the only way i can stop everything.
yes, you told me if i want to think this way, you cannot stop me.
but if i remain in your sight. it might be too painful for the both of us.
i know i'm greedy. i think you are too.
you say she knows what you're thinking, yes, i agree. i don't cause i don't know whos the real you.
you're hot and you're cold.
are you just using me?? i think you are.
hypocritical.
partially its my fault, for injecting faith into you. but i still believe you have a chance, cause the memories you gave her are too powerful to let go. that's the part i envy the most.
memories.
i'll be strong.
i have to.
i'm afraid to let go.. cause once i do. i'll be lost. no direction, nothing to look forward to. a zombie on this earth. literally.
but i don't want my world to revolve around you.
i need to lead my own life.
i'll be letting my friends down if i don't. i have awesome friends and i cherish and treasure to the max :)
my family, teachers, everyone i treasure the most will be there with me. no matter what.
i need the courage to do so. to move one. so that twenty years later, when i'm married. i'll be able to look back and tell my children about how silly i was to like you. to label you as my 1st love. everything of my first. then maybe i'll use my resourcefulness to track you down and get back in touch with you again. maybe you'll be happily married to her. and i'll be able to proudly say part of the success is due to me. and we'll laugh and start bickering again. like the old times.
my heart is torn into two. one part of me just wants to move on, to forget you, cause the memories you gave me, are the best thing that's ever been mine. that's the thing about you. you're able to give people great and wonderful memories. a good experience. but the other half says to wait. patiently. as the chinese saying goes: tie neng mo cheng zhen. if i wait long enough... you might... yes might. hope faith. whatever you want to call it. might... might...(if you didn't give me hope...i know you like me a tweeny weeny bit. that's the bit i'm willing to hold on)
sigh.. its back to square one isn't it. -.-
i'm supposed to be studying but here i am.. typing my thoughts away. silly me. i know you're waiting for As to be over. everyone is. then the plan can be carried out. i guess i'll do what i can for you. but i must say something:
STUDIES WILL ALWAYS COME FRIST, NO MATTER WHAT.
yupyup.
oooooo.. some good things instead of me fretting over something that he won't evern think about.
went kbox with dear old veron yesterday!!!! woots~~ been a while since i did that :) but the timing was quite short :( sigh.. nvm. we can do it again some other time oki :) ? then went to study at jp library, but i was packed!!! so tropped down to je library.... which was also packed!!!! what the. isn't it the school holidays. HOLIDAYS!!!!! sec sch students are supposed to be having fun at the malls and stuff. not cooped up at the library doing i don't know what. library is meant for students taking their A levels. lol haha :) oki but nvm, manage to find a random spot to sit down and try to do work. i still managed to finish chem paper 2 oki!! :)
had a late tea break at the cafe in the library. tuna sandwiched:) then went home on the mrt which was quite packed. watched one million singer. guo cai jie/amber guo is uber cute!!! haha yesterday's show was funny :) then it was news before white collar. hmm.. not a bad show. :)
this morning suppose to wake up at 8am.. woke up at 9 instead. sigh.. jogging plan cancelled -.-
actually.. quite curious if he'd come to read her ---- to know.. if he does.. then i don't need to feed him anymore info.. do i?? sigh.. why is it him again.!!!!! hate it!!!! shoot. yes i do admit.. i think of him 3485686754 times a day. but... i'm trying.. oki. in the least to let go slowly. i want to fill my day with activities so that i will not have time to stop pause and ponder!!!! come on clare, you can do it. you have to do it.
someone, pls come and ask me to go out/ study/play etc!!!!
haha funny that i'll put my plea here, since hardly anyone comes in to read my blog :P that's why i can type away haha :D
= do something right=
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