famous last words

maybe its the rain making me feeling melancholic..
maybe its just me.
i was fine just a few days ago, but not that feeling is bad. that sad stinking feeling. though it takes a shorter time to go away and it comes less frequently, but it is stronger in the sense that it makes me want to cry/brawl/shout every single tiring time. all i want to do is just breakaway.
sometimes i cannot be bothered. sometimes i'll think about it to the point where i'm just too tired to even want to think.
its scary how the thing i think of before i sleep is either the situation.. the person.. or people. usually its the former two. then when i wake up, the first thing in the morning is thinking about the same things. kind of dumb. there. see, i achieved the 'dumb' is my goal. woah. what a feat. ironically.
today.. it started again. actually, it was last night. i tried getting to sleep really quickly but it didn't help as in the morning, my mind started attacking my brain with thoughts. or is it the other way round.
even as i'm typing this and i can hear my dad snores in the living room, tmr would be another unpredictable day.
the truth is, i've stop expecting. really. that was a long time ago, i've moved on. i don't want anything to happen. if it does, i won't know how to react. even if i play impossible scenarios in my head, they are called impossible for a reason.
face it girl, seriously, a mental note to myself. nothing. just this word is enough.
its good to play sad scenarios in my own head to wake myself up from my own deep slumber. its good. although it is sometimes demoralising. but still. i don't know. sometimes i really give up.
the thoughts i'm typing now are really incoherent. but they are what i really want to say.
i've stopped bothering gor and ivy about it. soon it would be ms tay's turn. now its just bunny.
'don't hold on because you think there will be no one else. There will always be someone else. You've got to believe that you are being worth more than being hurt repeatedly by someone who does not really care and believe that someone will see what you're worth and treatyou the way you should be treated.'
i still remember the wall analogy i told tsf a couple of months back. then, when i first hit the wall, it hurts.but after hitting it so many times.. i got numbed to the pain. immune to it and would continue to hit it. tsf said i should instead, walk away from the wall and instead of letting yourself get hurt even more. there's a certain amount of truth in it. true. i have to walk away in order to not let myself get hurt.. but.. what if i've hit the wall till it has a crack. a little crack would turn into a bigger crack.the wall would eventually crumble. but of couse.. maybe all this is just nonsense. i wouldn't wish for anything like that to happen. hmm.. i wonder why the sudden thought of this. haha maybe its just what i said the last time that would surprise even myself.. but anyways..
though every beginning has an end.. but every end is a new beginning of something. i got thrown into something else.. when something ended a few months back.. till now, i'm still trying to end what i'm going through. i don't know. those famous last words.
i really don't know.

=do something right=
the only thing to remind myself is a couple of dates, a winning streak and what you taught me.