nothingness.numbness.

lately, when i come here, my mind will suddenly go blank. it wasn't like that the last few months. the last few months, i always come here to vent, as a solitude, a safe haven. some place where my thoughts would be safe, where it wouldn't be judged. yet right now, at this point of time, i have no idea what to type..

my emotions are like zen... inner peace.. i don't know what am i feeling. for once in my life. i'm kind of shocked. shell shock.

hmm.. maybe i should blog about yesterday. days, events, they often link to emotions. or maybe i should blog about my first prawning experience. or my really recent fetish with an adorable yorkshire terrier. maybe just maybe i'll get my emotions back. its kind of like the feeling of losing your smile. that sudden emptiness you feel. like something's missing from you and it just gave you a hole in your body. unlike the feeling of losing someone, at least you still feel pain or a heart aching feeling in your chest. but no. this numbness i feel is nothing like that. its just a sudden disappearance, a sudden *pop* its gone. like a bubble. just like a bubble. i just hope this feeling would go away..

maybe it my maturity that make me have this realisation, maybe i'm not that simple anymore. maybe, its a once in a life time experience that i have this inner peace feeling.. i don't know. but i'll try to survive it.

as i settle down, to this 'comfort' level, there are still 1001 questions swirling in my head. studies... rally...r/s issues >< urgh, infuriating thought i got over it... i guess there are somethings in life that i cannot run away from, no matter how hard i try. >< but i got to say something.. yesterday, the feeling of accomplishment was awesome and incredible, after chionging finish 1 week's worth of work, i stepped into the cool breeze with a smile on my face :) that feeling. of lightness is what i hope to achieve everyday. accomplishing something, learning something new. then walking home under the street lights with archie's everything and more serenading me home. peace~ that is the peace i want to aciheve. not what i'm feeling now. i don't even know how to descirbe it. maybe i'll do it the way i do it best: an analogy hmm.. oki.. let's see. the feeling i feel now is like standing at the entrance of a dark cave in the middle of the night. you don't want to enter the cave, the surroundings outside is at its optimum temp to sleep. yet.. you keep feeling that there is something or someone in the cave that is watching you.. although you want to enjoy the cooling night.. yet.. there's this nagging feeling in you that tells you to be apprehensive about whatever there is in the cave.. if there is anything in the cave to start with. >< oh well. what to do? do what i do best. haha just :D and ignore ba haha :)

bs 1002 is currently killing me.. haha time to hit the books :) again. lol.

p.s here's something that i thought about a few days ago while on the bus

nostalgia
is smiles, is footsteps, is laughter, is memories
that
makes the corner of my mouth twitch, makes me want to revisit those places, makes me burst out into sudden laughter, makes me want to think about it and replay the scene over and over in my head.
not something that even when smiling, shows melancholy, neither should it make me want to look away and avoid the place at all cost, nor should it bring tears to my eyes as i wish that every single scene with you would fade away.

..... i know i have the strength, i just need the courage.
haha and all these i got while my bus was driving away from the interchange and i caught myself staring at that spot again..><

=do something right=
is it about you again?? urgh..