Death

I rarely talk about this topic with anyone. Except God, just that he isn't human to be exact.

But I guess I knew from a very long time ago that this is our end. Since young, I have been dreading it. I don't really know who or whom or how did I even know that my parents will leave me one day. Maybe its the instinct that like children have. For nights, I'll have this scary feeling that after I go to sleep, I'll wake up suddenly with both of them not breathing. That I'll lose them. I would hug my mum and cry, or my dad for that matter and they would take turns consoling me and calling me silly. That they would still be there the next day, and the day after next.

After a while it stopped. I had to grow up. But sometimes late at night, I'd cry myself to sleep, having felt the same type of dread-ness. Maybe its because my parents are the only two people in the world which can really put up with me. I can really feel the love from them, making me detest myself if I happen to disappoint them. Maybe it was what little survival instinct I have waking up inside of me. Parents were the ones that provided for the family and without them I would most probably starve.

Then I grew up. This phase was relatively peaceful. I knew that I can depend on myself. The basic necessities that I knew to survive have already been provided for to me, I just need to learn the more sophisticated ones to add to my growth and knowledge. There was a period of time where the worries of my parents leaving the earth did not bother me as much as when I was still a child. Maybe the adult instinct in me has awoke that one day I would have a family of my own and I need to share the burden of having more than 1 family to take care off. I better start now, little by little in my own way. It might not be approved by my parents, but maybe one day, they'll understand.

As we grow older, we go about our daily lives and might not really feel the love our parents gave us. They might not shower us with toys, clothes or shoes any more. They might not be as active taking us to the zoo, theatre, shopping. Or even having a family dinner outside during the weekends have become a chore and choose to have simple home cook meals at home instead. But they still care in their own special way. The way dad closes the kitchen door to keep the wind out when he hears me sniffing in bed at night. Or the way mum always makes sure I have enough tissue to use and the supply never runs out. Still applying for leave whenever I have exams to cook lunch and send me to school so that I won't have to worry about catching the public transport. They never had me to worry about money even though I am actually a miser and is very stingy at heart. Their little words speak a lot especially when something doesn't go your way mum tries to encourage you and cheer you up in her 'nonchalant tone. Or when dad is tired and speaks to you in an irritated tone but after a bath he is back to his cheerful self again.

Sometimes, we take our parents for granted. I know I do too. We take their love for granted. But they always give so selflessly that I wonder how do they even do it. Would I be able to do it in the future? To give the best for my children instead of myself. only time will tell.

Now I am back to the state where sometimes I cry myself to sleep at night, but its not because of the dreaded feeling. Instead its because I am touched by their love for me. The sacrifices they made that they didn't mention. The little things in life that they did for me. Maybe I have matured and am at the age where I have become more sentimental. I tear at family movies, cry at books that have the element of family reuniting, my heart aches just at the mention of my parents. I really want to be someone that they can be proud of. They have been very supportive of me. Its my time to be supportive of them.

One day, we might be separated... for a while. I know that I will never be ready for that day. No matter how much tears I've cried for them in their life time, they will never be used up when that day comes. Fresh new tears will still slip out of their glands to soak my face. But until that day. I'll cherish every moment with them. Maybe that's why I have grew tired of spending time with my friends during special occasions like Christmas, New Year. Having them in the house with me even though we can be in separate rooms is good enough. Just knowing that they there. Alive.  Even though I would like them to experience the same things as me. be it s new place, food, event. Sometimes, its just best to just sit in the hall together and watch the singing competition airing. Or to gather around the table at night to have a dinner together, discussing about random people, phrases, places. That's just how my little family is. That's just how we roll.

Honor thy father and thy mother that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee. - Exodus 20:12

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