Faithfulness

Finally spent some long-awaited solitude time with God today. But I did it in a different manner. 

Instead of my trusty kindle and journal, I opted to bring along my mp3 which I revived yesterday and uploaded a podcast into it. 

Initially, I wanted to start from the very first podcast of the Fruits of the Spirit series, taken from Journeywomen podcast, however, God had other plans. I could not find the introductory podcast. Mind you, I had tried my best to clean up my mp3, deleting songs that I presumed I would not want to listen to and gave it extra space so that it had enough for the couple of podcasts that I downloaded. Since the tracklisting runs in alphabetical order, I automatically went to the tracks starting with 'F' for 'Fruits' but, it was not there. Instead, the fruit  "Faithfulness"  was. Refusing to give up, I tried to figure other possibilities and when my efforts came down to naught, I settled on listening to the Faithfulness podcast.

It was really timely, probably I have been struggling with some faith issues over the course of the last two months. Starting from June, when I sat for the SLT intake test. Due to the COVID, the test was conducted online and candidates required an extra mobile device that has the ZOOM application that the invigilators can observe from. I remembered logging into ZOOM 15 minutes earlier (instead of the 10 minutes stipulated on the instruction sheets). Being the kiasu person that I am, I had everything ready by 8.45am and I waited for the invigilators to admit into the ZOOM meeting. When I logged in, I was admitted into the waiting room. It was not something new to me, having attended numerous ZOOM meetings over the course of the entire circuit breaker, but I was anxious and did not want to stay in the waiting room for long. At 8.55am, the screen did not change. I was still in the meeting room and the host did not admit me. It was a nerve-wracking 5minutes. The test was scheduled to commence at 9am yet, I was still left to wait in the waiting room. My mum came in to check on me at 9am and I was by then, having a nervous breakdown. I kept repeating the words 'How? What do I do now?' over and over again. Even though my mum tried to give me suggestions, but my brain was blocked.

Was it because God does not want me to take the test? Is our house's internet connection down? Do I need to wait two more years for this application to open again? So many negative thoughts were racing through my head. 

9.05am, I was still in the waiting room.

9.10am, I was not admitted yet. I felt like giving up.

At 9.15am, the screen suddenly changed and a lady materialized on the screen. 

'So sorry for the wait! We have many applicants today, hence the process took a little longer than expected!'

Suddenly God spoke to me 'Where is the faith you said that you have in me? Do you not trust me to bring you through this test?'

There and then, I felt so ashamed. Abraham waited for years before Sarah bore Issac, yet, I could not wait for just 20mins. 

Taken from Biblehub: 1 Samuel 13:8-14

Saul’s Unlawful Sacrifice

8And Saul waited seven days for the time appointed by Samuel, but Samuel did not come to Gilgal, and the troops began to desert Saul. 9So he said, “Bring me the burnt offering and the peace offerings.” And he offered up the burnt offering.

10Just as he finished offering the burnt offering, Samuel arrived, and Saul went out to greet him.

11“What have you done?” Samuel asked.

And Saul replied, “When I saw that the troops were deserting me, and that you did not come at the appointed time and the Philistines were gathering at Michmash, 12I thought, ‘Now the Philistines will descend upon me at Gilgal, and I have not sought the favor of the LORD.’ So I felt compelled to offer the burnt offering.”

13“You have acted foolishly,” Samuel declared. “You have not kept the command that the LORD your God gave you; if you had, the LORD would have established your kingdom over Israel for all time. 14But now your kingdom will not endure; the LORD has sought a man after His own heart and appointed him ruler over His people, because you have not kept the command of the LORD.”

I felt like Saul in the passage. In that 20mins, I took matters into my own hands and caved in into my emotions. All I did was whine and doubt. I did not pray. This lesson is something that I will take with me for life. 

In July, I was faced with a lot of stress that manifested into some physical signs on my body. I had an eczema flare, my stomach was not doing well and I woke up from my nap one afternoon with a terrible headache. Suddenly, a thought came to my mind, 'Is it because I am a Christian, that is why I am faced with so many trials? Does it mean that if I put down their Christian label, then my life will be easier, smoother, and happier?' In that instant, I was so close to texting my zone leader and telling her that I am done. I'm done with this whole Christianity thing, this leadership thing, just everything about faith and religion. I want to be carefree. What a scary thought! As I am recounting and typing this down now, I still cannot believe that I actually had those thoughts. My level of avoidance from responsibilities and trials is unbelievably high. Me, being a second-generation Christian, brought up in the faith, the only faith that I ever known wanted to flee from this. 

But God is good. He gave me the word 'steadfast'. Steadfast means firmly fixed in place, immovable, unwavering. I did messaged my zone leader, but it was not telling her that I quit, but rather, I need prayer more than anything else. These were the exact words that she said (or typed) :

as i pray, i also sense to remind u that all these things are not just part of life — they are like part of the transformation package! so it’s not “ok God, i have all these things, and i need Your strength to pull this through”, it’s “Lord, why is this placed in my life and how can this transform my life further?”

Honestly, I was like... I'm not in the mood right now to think of why God placed all these into my life, I can barely stand for tmr! What I wanted was comfort, was the affirmation that I am already doing a GREAT job and I am capable.  It was a real human annoyance that came out of me and I really did not reply her till 2 days later. Yes, I took that long to get over the feeling of annoyance. Looking back, I am glad that she did not feed into my ego. It amazing how God uses someone to talk sense into others. After calming down and really facing God with the question she told me to, I sensed that God was working into me, wanted me to face my inner giants, my insecurities. 

The mid-July break was timely and I got to catch up with people (face to face). Talking to Y jie has always been and will always be a highlight. Her life itself IS a testimony of God's grace and how He has rescued her from the abyss of despair and pull her back into her embrace. I will always remember that this was what she said 'I did nothing, but God still gave me everything.' and how she taught and reminded me that Gods's love is free, I do not have to earn it, work for it, or keep doing something for it. 

aren't you tired with living as though everyone has a scorecard with your name on top?

What she said, pretty much sums up my life. It probably stemmed from a really young age, that I did not want to disappoint my parents and that I will become the daughter that is worth their love, and it probably grew into the weeds of having to prove to others that I am worthy of their affection, their trust and whatever they see in me. Be it friendship, relationship, discipleship, partnership etc. So yes, it has been tiring. This probably stems from the need of having a sense of belonging, instead of an intruder. 

I shared with her how it has always bugged me that my call to leadership was never a spoken word from God. No voice, no sign. Rather, it was a proposition that came from a friend, who said that our particular zone lacked female leaders and my name came up during their discussion. She was wondering if I was keen to take on the role and I did, partly because I wanted to help, I wanted to feel like I can meet the need. Next was because it would be another growth stage for me, as I dive deeper into my faith. Probably the thirst for affirmation might have driven me to that decision, or it could be the growth, I cannot tell. But the fact that the invitation came from a human mouth, instead of God irked me. Would those who have been called by the LORD think that I am a fake who was being called by the human mouth? Would the members under me see through all my flaws and wished that their leader was someone else? Or think that if a person like her is a leader, why should I listen to her? There were so many insecurities inside of me and I struggled with them every single day, the moment I accepted that role. Countless times I wanted to go back to becoming a member.

what makes you think that God cannot use someone to call you into leadership? Why do you keep focusing on how you were being called into leadership, instead of how you as a leader now and impact the lives of those under you?

I was snapped out of my own little bubble or self-pity and forced to face reality. Yes, Y jie was right! I am living in the past, it does not matter how I got here. Uncle A once told me that now I am a leader, God will anoint me with the giftings required for me to live out my role. I need to stop living in the past like someone with PTSD, and go forward with God's help.

There were so many instances in July that God was dealing with me. My need for human affirmation as a mark of my capabilities, the need to show a strong side to my mentees and more recently, faith in Him. 

After the SLT intake test, I did not receive any news from the committee. My faith started to waver again. Was history going to repeat itself? Why is it that God place this desire for Speech Therapy in me, yet He does not want to give me the desires of my heart? Am I not capable enough to become an SLT? Was talking to D, quite randomly one night and I love how God just speaks to me through the wise words of others:

Faithfulness is doing what God call us to do, and not what we think is the best of us to do for God.......  I don’t think your are not capable enough but more so God see that you are more needed and he can use you not just in this area. God will put us in the best position, with the right posture to accomplish His purpose. I believe silence is not the end.

Silence is not the end. I love that phrase. It brings hope, that God is up to something. Which brings me back to the podcast that I heard this morning. There is just something about listening to others talk about their journey with God, and in this case, Faithfulness. Hearing from someone living across the globe makes you feel less alone and that everyone faces the same issues with their faith, God does not discriminate by skin or race. Rather, He loves us all freely and the same. Some quotes to take home were:

“Be who you are. Live as who God has called you to be and as who he has equipped you to be.” 

“Being steadfast and holding fast to our faith requires some action on our part.”

“If we want to arrive at long-term faithfulness to Jesus later, we have to start with faithfulness to Jesus today, feeding our faithfulness while it is called today.”

“Any faithfulness that is growing in my life is fruit of the Spirit’s work in my life. I cannot get there by myself. That begins in the Lord’s work at the cross.”

“The Lord is sanctifying us as we walk with him but we are not perfect and will not be perfect until we see him face to face. We will forget about him. We will dethrone him for lesser things at times. He is always near but sometimes we distance our hearts from him. Faithfulness is confessing your sin, repenting, and picking right back up where you left off.”

Taken from https://journeywomenpodcast.com/episode/faithfulness

I particularly like the first line. It provides me with the assurance that God has already given me what I need to live out the person He has called me to be and as long as I walk in His ways, He will bring it to pass. I also learned that faithfulness is something that needs to be renewed and done everyday. When something replaces our faithfulness towards God, we need to repent, ask God for forgiveness, and pick it up where you stopped. It isn't about waiting for a brand new day to come before things can restart from square one. It starts right now.

Leaving you all with this verse from Hebrews 10: 23-25

23Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. 24And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, 25not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

God bless and thank you for reading till the end. Time to go for my lunch!

=do something right=