It's been 3 years since I blogged and I am reopening my blog so that there is a space where I can share my reflections. It feels foreign yet familiar since this used to be the place where I would type down all my feelings as a form of release before going through life again. I enjoyed reading some of my previous posts, taking me through my growing years. Revisiting the emotions that I felt at that time, now, feels kind of weird. Nevertheless, still a joy.
I think I have become more pensive. More cautious and introverted, as compared to me, in my early twenties. But of course, there are still bits and pieces of the old me that would show up here and there. After all, they are still part of me. To whoever is reading, feel free to explore this space. You are welcome to take a trip down my memory lane, or come on this journey with me, as I move forward in life. May you find joy in reading! God Bless!
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2023 started with a whirlwind of events, leaving work at 5.30pm or later was definitely tiring but I guess that is what the first week of school is all about. It had been both physically and mentally trying at the same time. Physically cause my body clock still needs a bit of adjusting from the wretched timings that I have been sleeping at during the holidays (no one to blame but myself). Mentally cause of the news I received on ... Tuesday? Wednesday? Can't really remember. I thought I was at peace with it. I guess I am, but I still cannot help but feel a bit affected. Some context: so I received news that one of my friends got into the Masters of Speech Therapy course in NUS + sponsorship. This is also one of the friends whom I shared my dream with (at that time) and over the years, she also saw the needs of the community hence she went to apply for it last year.
It is indeed bittersweet. I am happy for her, and of course, congratulated her. At the same time, I cannot help but feel a bit sad. The feelings are not as intense, just that it was a dream that I held on to so tightly before and chased for many years. Yet, it seems to be so easily acquired by others. I'm definitely better now, thanks to all the prayers and encouragement from the wonderful people whom I have shared this news with. At the same time, I truly thank God for giving me that dream. It was that dream (and partially cause I wanted out from my first job), that took me on this journey to where I am right now. Never would I have expected myself to be working with students - education was DEFINITELY the last thing on my mind. It was also through this entire experience that I learn to trust God more. Still in the process of learning how to hold on to things on this earth loosely but I am getting better each day! :D (cue didn't scream, cry, bawl my eyes out and wallow in self-depression when I received the news)
This year is also going to be another challenging year (which year isn't), but even more so this time round. New year to assume my role full-time, take on a new cell, prep for my wedding, and allocate time for my friends and loved ones. After typing it out, I feel I can hardly breathe. But amidst the chaos, God is there. Started on Joshua back in December, one chapter a day cause Joshua is a good book on Godly leadership. Ended it on Christmas Day and started on Matthew. Matthew is just this book so rich in parables, Jesus and his miracles, and His life as a human (facing temptations and all). Was supposed to continue one chapter a day, but I took it a bit slower when reading chapter 13. It consists of 5 parables, of which I am currently only at v43.
Though I have read the parables countless times, especially the one about the farmer scattering seed, maybe this time round I have a new 感触 about it:
We all want the seeds to land on good soil! But what about the seeds that landed on thorns, rocky soil, or worst, the footpath? So the seeds here represent the gospel, and with all things being equal (ceteris paribus), the only difference would be the environment in which the seed grows. Basically, the soil and the soil represent the condition of the heart. We all know what happens to the seeds planted in the various soil... or lack of soil. But I was just wondering... if it is possible for the seed scattered on thorns or on rocky soil to be saved. I think the seed scattered on the footpath.. might not have any hope. If a seed has been devoured by birds, I hardly think it can be regenerated again.
For the seeds that were on rocky soil or thorns, they did spring out, just that for one, the roots were not deep enough and the other was choked up. Perhaps the replanting of the seedlings, from a not-so-good environment, into a better environment seems a bit far-fetched. But the soil is supposed to represent the condition of our hearts. The rocky soil depicts a heart that is immediately receptive, but hardened - hence the roots are unable to grow deep. The thorns - a heart that is full of worries and the cares of the world, the deceitfulness of riches. (thanks commentary from ESV study bible). The condition of the heart can be changed. It can go from bad to good and regress from good to bad. There are certain times in my life when my soil condition felt very thorny. Choked up by the cares of the world and worries about tmr. Maybe our members' life might go from good soil... to rocky ones. When there is no farmer to upkeep, even good soil can turn bad. Taking care of seedlings is hard work, you need to water them, make sure no weeds grow, and maybe even fertilize them, etc.
Hence, only a good farmer who shows TLC to his crops will be greeted by a rich harvest in the end. So then, who is this farmer? Back in Matthew, the farmer/sower (different ver) mentioned in the parable represents Jesus and in modern times the person who spread the gospel. At the same time, maybe the farmer that sowed and the farmer that takes care of the crops might not be the same person. As I ponder on it more... we should also be farmers of our own soil aka should also start taking responsibility for the condition of our hearts. Not sure if it makes sense, this is just my two cents. We need to be aware when our soil is starting to become rocky, or when we see thorns coming out from our hearts. We can be like the assistant farmers, looking out for these little irksome things and reporting to our head farmer right away. He will know what to do. When we see something not right in our members' life as well, we can seek help from God, to give us wisdom on how to handle the situation, and how to nurse the soil bed back to health.
Maybe what I shared may not be biblical, it is just my own reflections. I know this parable is really talking about how the gospel can be shared to many people but it results in different outcomes due to the condition of the hearts. But I guess it just wanted to take it a little further and give some hope to the 'bad soil'. It just serves as a reminder to me that, if that bad soil bed can be nursed back, the condition of our hearts can always be recalibrated (and so do our members).
Wow, it is indeed hard to type out reflections, as I use to blog whatever that comes to mind. It is definitely a workout for my brain and this post took two days to be drafted out (more due to the lack of time). For those who have made it this far, congrats. It is okay if you do not agree with me, or think otherwise. But thank you for reading till the end. On a lighter note, Blessed 22nd Birthday Phile!! God bless!
=do something right=
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