sometimes I really wonder if I am up for the role. 

Maybe I have a lot of bad habits to break, or maybe I just want the best of both worlds. I want to be able to watch my dramas and not feel guilty. 

Yesterday's LCG was an eye-opener. I always thought that by being honest to myself, it makes me more in-tune to what I am feeling, to what I want. Which is true, because lying to yourself is really doing you a disfavour. it is one of the worst decisions you can make. Yet being self-aware is just one part of self-discovery. You really need to strip yourself down, right down to the core, and ask : who am I? 

Remove yourself from your designations, your roles, the positions you hold, maybe even your responsibilities that require you to be involved and just ponder on the question of who am I. 

For me, it is indeed hard to tear myself away from my job and my role as a CGL. The question is always answered with a lot of insecurities, I zoom in straight to my flaws. I become more withdrawn as I grow up. Not wanting to speak above the loud noises. Not wanting to battle against the current. Not confident of my answers, unsure if what I said made sense. I feel hollow, no substance. The questions that I can answer are probably about the entertainment world. At the same time, I have grown selective and picky towards the dramas that I watch. Seeking to find values, better content or dramas that dabble in real issues yet are portrayed a little more dramatically. 

I am afraid of the limelight because I am afraid of making mistakes. It is indeed good to be young, where making mistakes have lesser stakes. That is what I always tell my students. Try, fall, get up and try again. Yet, I loathe being in the shadows sometimes, as I need affirmation from others sometimes. But oftentimes, I stick to the in-between. There, but not there. 

My mind has been shaped by circumstances, what I take in, what I experienced, like a sponge. It just zones out, feeding the laziness, my brain muscles have not worked for quite a while. Perhaps that is why I am not a critical thinker. Rather, I analyze words for their literal meanings or just take things as they are. Never questioning (or maybe asking the wrong questions), mostly absorbing.

This is indeed a pitfall. Living my life swayed by people's opinions, but if I don't, my life would most probably be like a slump. I dislike it when people keep asking me to do this, do that, but ironically, I would also need some help in some areas of my life - yes, I still need people to tell me to do this, do that.

The list can go on and on, there are many things about myself that changed over the years, for better or for worst. I honestly thought that I will not change. Looking at how things turned out, it is quite impossible. I do not know about others. But what I know is that there is a story behind everything I said, every question I asked, and every statement I make. It might be a short one, or a long one. But I have definitely become more cautious.

Perhaps the process of self-discovery for me is to believe that God made me this way and He is changing some parts to make me more like Him. For me to learn that my confidence stems not from what I can do, but from what He can do through me. With what little, unrefined gifts I have, or the talents that I have yet to explore, He can do things that I never would have imagined. 

My life would be really meaningless, if not for God. 

This post may be a little disheartening, discouraging and dark. But I am thankful for this space to just type away. Whoever you think I am, or what image you have of me, is how you perceive me. I really am just an average girl, with a beloved God who loves her very much. Much more than the girl herself. Maybe I should share some happy things about my seld-discovery process next time. It is and will always be an ongoing journey. Challenging myself to ponder instead of mirror - it is like to be before you do. 

Shoutout to Grace. Blessed Birthday! Hope you enjoyed your trip with your mum and sisters!

= do something right=