Its 7.14am now. Trying to sneak in a post before the start of work. Been so tired recently that when I come into my office, I just slide down on my chair, rest my head and snooze all the way till 7.30am. Often jolted up by my colleague, when he slams the door after leaving office (not on purpose, his office door has some issues).
We attended a restorative practice workshop on Monday. I have a love-hate relationship with these workshops. Firstly, being the one of the few non-education officer really makes me feel quite inferior. Sometimes, it is as if they talk in a language that is foreign to me. We also lack the shared experience. The challenges and at the same time rapport they build with the students in the classroom is undeniably different. Secondly, I realised that most of my colleagues have very rich experiences. When we were supposed to share the bravest things that we did, most of them did some form of extreme sport >> skydiving, wake boarding, sleeping with a cobra. If you count binge watching an entire series of chinese drama till about 1am in the morning extreme, then yes. I probably make the cut too. But sorry, that does not count. Sometime I reflect and wonder, what am I doing with my life. A lot of memories are very blurry and I guess my heydays are over - that was in secondary school mind you. My current status is honestly, just lay low and do my job properly. That's about it.
Okay, its 7.25am now. I need to get ready. Shall continue this post later!
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Its about 4.45pm. I am still in school. -.-" it has been another busy busy extremely busy day. Busy day still got time to blog? yes. need to unwind a bit. though looking at how messy my office table is, is a good reflection of how cluttered my head is now. so many cases, things to do, things I want to do but no time to do. I think the chapter that we are going to discuss for LCG tmr is pretty apt - self - discovery. 'who you are is not what you do. what you do is not who you are. identity is unchanging. being comes before doing, Who you are determines what you do.'
I know that I am a child of God and that truth will set me free. I know that I need to pace myself and work with the controllables. There are times where I just need a break, so I should take it, and learn to work with what I can. Staring at the mess on my table as I type this, really cannot help but feel I wish there was someone who can help me... but then again, sometimes I prefer to do things myself cause I know my own thoughts, I know what I want and what is the 'standard'.
My job does not determine who I am, though it does make up some parts of my life. Of course I would want to produce good quality work, but there are times where I tried my best and things are still the way it is. Bu they, at least I tried! It is definitely hard to just be, and get in touch with myself. That's why I would like to be more reflective and try to type things down as an outlet to express myself. Take it as a form of letting it out. Maybe what I need right now is just some space. I need to de-clutter my head. Write down what I need to do and complete it slowly. Having a mental to-do list doesn't work for me anymore. I blame covid for that. Lastly, not to rush (and procrastinate). Being the master productive procrastinator I am, it is hard, partially cause the more important things might not be something that I am comfortable with doing or it is something that will put me in an uncomfortable position.
Looking forward to the CNY break where I can get a good sleep. Body clock is not tuned back yet. So that is also something I need to work on. Was reading about the 5 loaves and 2 fishes. It kind of comforted me a bit. If God can multiply 5 loaves and 2 fishes, then He will be able to 'multiply me' or in a sense expand me. Jesus gave thanks, broke the bread and they just kept coming. Though I am not bread, but I can give thanks for what God gave me and see how He wants to lead me from there. Praying that by staying close to God, He will keep refilling me just like how He never runs dry.
Let's take baby steps - be on task in January first. okay, I better write the list, pack up and head home soon!
= do something right=
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