Meekness is not weakness

'Meekness is not weakness. It's power under control.' 

'Be humble enough to prepare, and confident enough to perform.'

But when you prepare enough, yet you are not confident to perform, that is not meekness, but weakness.

Really powerful words and lessons taken away from LCG. Though the chapter was a short one but I think that line hits hard.

Perhaps, it is not that I am not confident to perform. I just do not want to admit that I can perform... so that when my performance does not meet the standard of others, I have an 'excuse'. Under promise, over deliver you know. This is probably wrong of me to do. But it is an insecurity I have. I just hate disappointing people. 

Another case is I do prepare till the point where I am ready (of course I still get nervous in case things do not go according to how I prep it), but I do not want to boost my own ego up by saying that 'I confirm can do it'. Its like a defense mechanism, but in this case, a disappointment mechanism. Just preparing myself if things do not go awesome. At least I will not feel too sad as compared to when I get my hopes up and they are dashed instead. 

But the Lord says in 2 Timothy 1:7 - For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. This is the remedy to my insecurities. The fear of embarrassment, makes me pre-empt myself for the worst that can happen. The fear of not being good enough, of having to match up to man's standard makes me push down whatever confidence I have, as a mask over 'humility'. But God gave us power. Through Him. That is meekness itself, to know that we have the power and control it. How? love and sound mind. We learn to put the interest of others before ourselves. With a sound mind (self-control), and love we are able to wield meekness as our power. I pray that this will be a lesson learnt. I want to be meek, not weak.

Today was a really trying day, and one student really made me feel incompetent and that's also one of the reasons why I feel very little confidence in my job and role (sometimes). But I really thank God for allowing Him to put people in my life to cheer me up, some sharing their experiences, and Esther even prayed for me in school. People is really one way God shows His love for me. Starting to embrace my non-assertive nature, and be comfortable just doing what I need to do without gaining any recognition. There are many things that actually require team effort. especially when working with a student. Its these moments that I really need to rely on God, and also allow Him to pick me up and move on from there. To live in the bad times, but focusing on the good of it. 

Just wanted to pen down my thoughts here cause it was really an eventful day.

=do something right=