What dealing with a 'difficult' parent taught me

I never felt the urge to get a work number as strongly as the one I felt last week. Communication with parents is part of my role. I usually update them when there is something pressing or like end of the term, where I do a round up of their child's progress. Most of my parents are nice. They know when to text. Even when they do during the weekend, they will put a note of apology, asking me to reply only when convenient and I need not do it immediately. But texting in the wee hours of the morning, asking me if I am available for a call is scary. So much so that I brace myself whenever I switch my phone on in the morning when I reach my work place. When the content of their texts feels like a ranting session (that has nothing got to do with you), is scary. Another part where I cannot take is when the texts get a bit 'paggro' (cannot believe that I am using this word). When I do not reply the texts (mainly because they are just rants), they will say things like 'I am not sure if you are still interested to work on my child'  makes me feel like I have not done enough. I can feel the push. I do not like it, at the same time, this is probably something that I need to go through in the nature of my work. Here are some lessons I have learnt.

1. Draw boundaries

Easier said than done. Was sharing with the Yong bros on the way home from LCG that night that I have the personality of a fixer. Basically when a problem arises, I need a solution, and the solution should be put in place asap. Thus when a parent messages me with a query, I usually find the answer and reply them promptly. I use to give a response to almost everything they say, regardless of the time. Of course if I am having a session, I will reply them later, but whenever possible, I will reply them. I dislike having this nagging feeling where I have something not done. Like unfinished business. From this experience, I learnt that I needed to ignore. Some parents do emotional dump on others because (I cannot deny) things ae tough at home. They might cling on to anyone that respond to them. Was talking to my counsellor colleagues and sharing this with them. They said that I was probably an easy access to this parent. Cause I have been actively responding. That was when I knew that I needed to draw my boundary. Not for selfish reasons, but to give myself breathing space. I need to learn what to reply, and what to let it be. Even if it means getting these 'paggro' texts. 

2. Moral Courage 

My RO is in the know about what is happening with this parent and the family situation. Of course it is a complex case and we need to tread parties involved with care. Yet, there are times where we might need to tell them the truth, though it hurts. Honestly, I am not there yet (neither is my RO), but we touched on the topic of moral courage. The ability to let the other party know the plain truth and what they are doing it not right. When help has been rendered, strategies have been taught, but expectations are not adjusted, then it will come to naught. It is impossible to learn a strategy today, apply it tmr and expect it to work instantaneously. Things do not work this way, though miracles happen, but not this one. It is indeed quite sad to see the different organizations working together to help, yet when the reply is not prompt enough or results are not showing, the help is written off as not beneficial.

3. Share it out

Talking about it to a few trusted people, or sharing it with some people who don't know the parties involved is beneficial to me. It helps me to articulate my thoughts and pinpoint what I am unhappy about. It also gave me some valuable insights. For example, I was thinking of how to craft the best response to the parent where my colleague quipped in that there will never be such thing as 'best response' because the parent already has a fixed mindset. There will be things about the response that will be nitpicked. I realised that what he said was so true! No matter what I say, if I am unable to give the parent what he/she wants (which is not aligned to my organization's policy), then it will never be a good answer. Sharing it out is also a means of seeking help. Of course you need to go to the right person. My colleagues have more experience dealing with these parents than me. They provide valuable insight, one of them also ask me not to fret over this small thing, its not worth it. 

Through it all, it is not that I am unable to empathise with the parent. I just feel like we need to be at their back and call. Which is not the case. I have other students to think about! I did ask God, if I have done enough. I know for sure that I am doing the things required of my role in school. The issue at hand is something that is beyond my scope and I am not in the position to accede to the parent's request. I believe that as long as I tried my best and keep things professional, things will be fine.

I have to mention that before I call the parent or text the parent, I really needed to pray (also thanks to those in LCG who prayed for me this week!!). For wisdom, for courage and for mercy. Thankful that other than the 'paggro-ness' the parent has not been that hostile to me. I still can take it. It is going to be a new week, my prayer would be that God's peace that passes all understanding will be with me and I will be safe in his arms, no matter what circumstances. 

= do something right =