I don't think I'm even productively procrastinating. I am just procrastinating. Lol.

There is still so much to do. Send message to cellies, do up cover sheet for invigilator observation package, read chapter for LCG tmr...

But I just want to chill and watch YouTube. This is definitely the weakness and desire of the flesh.

Why do I not want to do the other things? Basically its slothful. The rest of the other things require some form of effort and brain cells from me. I need to think. booo..... 

Even typing this post also take effort, and time. 

Let me just draft this post first.

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Okay, reopening a post which I drafted yesterday. 

I realised that the solution (other than discipline) to my supposed problem is to set a time and finish it within that time limit. 

It is quite ironic that I went to work today, downloaded the draft of my invigilator observation cover sheet and completed it in less than 5 mins. Why? I needed to left my RO vet it and send it out to the invigilators before the examinations begun at 8am. 

After my invigilation, I sat down in my office and sent out the message to my cell about LOLympics. I think I took about halt an hour or so? From crafting to inserting the emojis and sending the picture one by one. To both telegram and whatsapp. 

I have done 2 things that I could not accomplish last night... in probably an hour or so combined. Oh did I mention that I read the LCG chapter for today, last night, while waiting for the husband to come back from work? 

Hence the solution to finish blogging a post is really to set a time, finish it by that time and move on to the next thing. Which in this case, is sleep.

Was contemplating on what to blog about. I have a few options. But since this is my space, I'm free to blog whatever I deem fit (and the readers can choose to just skim through or scrutinize every word they deem fit).

First thing that I would like to share would be response towards WPC last week. I really think I have this rebellious streak in me (late bloomer? never come out in teenage phase). Alvin shared an image about a sandy beach with different torches. The torches are different in terms of the intensity in which they burned. Some were burning brightly, some weakly, and some on the verge of extinguishing. The sharing led to his own reflection and then asking us - which torch are we exactly and then it ended with a call to burn using God as fuel and not on our own strength. Rebellious little Clare thought - why must I be a torch that runs on something that burns? Why can't  I be an electric torch? Plugged into a power source continuously. I will never run out of fuel. Perhaps the light I give out will be constant (not able to surpass the one which burns on a lot of fuel), at least I am constant. I think it is little tics like that that make me love and irk myself at the same time. I always feel different and this is also part of me being 屁股痒. 

It was also in that point where I asked God to strip me of my pride. I knew I needed to call myself out in front of God that being different makes, yet breaks me at the same time. The different part makes it hard for me to belong and 'fit' right into a community. Yet I relish the gene of being different. Of being a product of a certain system, but still have the autonomy to fight and be someone different. 

This also links to the chapter on Stick-with-it ness, which we did last week. What I took home would probably be the 'answer' to my indispensable nature question. People can be replaceable. Easy or not and better or not, its debatable, but in terms of work and capabilities, there is someone who can really take over, or more than one. The beauty of it is God acknowledges that YET He still invites us to commune with Him and serve/work WITH HIM. Despite of our selfish nature, our own hunger for greed, affirmation and the applause of men. Our comparative nature, always wanting to be seen as one greater than our predecessor. Yet God wants us to serve and work with HIM. With whatever talents He has given us. I think that is more beautiful than getting some recognition award. God's invitation is definitely something that I DO NOT want to pass on. 

Of course the human nature in me have, on certain occasions, look at how my two ALs interacts with my members. They bring the fun to my seriousness and they connect so well. Sometime I feel that I am there for administrative purposes, which, can be learned. People skills on the other hand, is different. That human touch and care. I do care for my little ones, I really do. Just that my role as a 'mother' and also the generation gap makes it tough (but not impossible), to bring out the fun stuff and vibe. I will also wonder, actually my cell is relative easy to lead. As in they are all generally cooperative and cute. They will do well under any leader. I'm just the privileged one to get chosen. 

Gg, my eyes are closing as I type this. Ya, so, I feel that if you put any leader + Alvin and Althea, the cell will thrive. Really God's grace. Hence my statement on me being indispensable. I have also been trying to sense the ground. They could be a bit lost with their future. Short term goal is to do well (like every other student). But I hope that they will be able to draw on God's words more. To really carry it. 

LCG today was good as well. Even though I know that I might not remember the specifics in the chapter on execution, what really amazes me was when Chloe was sharing her devotion. The chapter happened to be the one I read yesterday and I was also a bit puzzled over Jesus' action of cursing the fig tree. I got thrown off by these words in the chapter : ......When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs.  To me, I wondered why Jesus will curse since its not the time for figs. But as I went to read up on it and Chloe also explained, it dawned on me that the tree was actually misleading or in human form 'pretending'. The presence of leaves in a fig tree indicates that there should be fruit. However, it did not. While Chloe shared, she also mentioned she weakness and being caught in a performance trap, being too focused on the doing instead of the being. Which were the words given to me during the worship segment of LCG.

I always grapple with this as honestly I feel that our ministry makes doing seem more important than being. Yes, I know that we always preach about being. Being rested in God, enjoying God's company, soaking God's presence. Yet... do we actually do what we say. Or maybe my definition of 'being' is warped. Perhaps what I am feeling is not not being good enough for God, rather, not doing enough for people. For the community. There are expectations to meet, all these come in the leadership package. This is also why as I looked back on the different cells I have been in, I enjoyed MOC 2018 the most. Community definitely played a part (all females), yet you just feel compelled by love to do things for the people in your community. You do it cause you want to, not because you have to. Talking, learning about God. Taking up the task of BS. Celebrating birthdays. They come naturally. No pressure, more initiative. But now, sometimes I feel that if I do not do something, I am letting someone down. Not God. 

On the other hand, I guess this is also where I need to grow in. You can say its a shift in mindset/perspective or a change in attitude. But I do believe that being involved in God's work allows you a glimpse into His Kingdom and God's nature. Drawing us to be more and more like Him. Cause if we do not serve or am not involved in community, you are pretty much just stuck in your comfort zone. 

Okay I need to stop here cause my eyes are seriously closing and I need to rest, if not my stomach will act up again. Probably need to reflect a bit more on this. Till the next post. Apologies for leaving on a cliffhanger.

= do something right =