Last night was terrible. I got hit by a wave of loneliness again. 

Have been battling a lot of inner thoughts and demons these few weeks. Really longing for a break to just shut down. But I don't see how I can currently. Or maybe it is possible, its whether I want to or not. 

The sense of loneliness reminded me of Jesus' last moments on the cross:

Mark 15:33 At noon, darkness came over the whole land until three in the afternoon. 34 And at three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?” (which means “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”)

It was here that Jesus experienced immense pain when God turned His face away from His Son. The ultimate separation. It might probably feel like someone yanking a piece of your flesh away from your heart. Leaving you broken and cold. It is like you are the only soul left in the world, or rather everyone has left you to fend for yourself. 

My level of loneliness was probably not to that extent. But it still hurts. Crying helps to relieve a bit of the overwhelming emotions and ultimately, help you to sleep. That was probably how I drifted off to sleep. 

The feelings lessened this morning. Thank God! Just that I had this thought suddenly "What if I happen to be the weird girl that everyone in _______ tries to be nice to" The blank can be filled in with school, church, life etc. What if people include me because they have to, not because they want to? Its quite sad isn't it? haha It will be interesting if this revelation is true (perhaps it is, I just do not have the courage to face it). 

This also took me back to a memory in uni. It was the time when I finally realised that just because you give someone 100% (in terms of friendship), it doesn't mean that they need to give their 100% too. Do not put your own expectations of friendship onto someone else. This is perhaps how we make God feel. God always gives us His 100%, He holds nothing back from us, yet we only give Him what we think is worth at that point of time. We come up with silly excuses and hurt God in the process. 

At the same time, this might be an area of growth. I told God a couple of days ago that I would like to be more confident of myself. In my own skin. Even if I need to stand alone. I know I will never be someone's number 1 choice. That's okay. I am usually the stand-in. That's okay. I will still do my best. I hope to see that my confidence does not come from man's affirmation or standard (this is the tough part that needs to be broken), but rather it stems from God. Knowing that I am standing with Him.

On a lighter note, I wanted to blog about LOLympics that happened two weeks ago. Honestly, I was not looking forward to it. Firstly, I'm not a sporty person, or rather I used to be. But now no. I left that past in JC lol. Hence it was pressurising to take part in something like this, and I know how competitive LOL can be. I am also not good in games... usually the group with me in it will tend to lose. Badly. Like last place. So I was super scared. In addition, my cell got teamed up with Den's cell. Den's cell is so fit! and I was also affected cause during DC when we combined cells the first time, there was a comment that they felt they were babysitting my cell. :/  There was a certain amount of apprehension leading up to LOLympics. 

But I really 佩服 Den, as house captain. She did up a manual to win, did up our logo, she even went to the trophy to measure the circle. Her cell also coordinated the groupings for Captain's Ball etc. She really showed the value of excellence. The other teams as well, they bought bandanas, inflatable cheer sticks. Maybe I was too naive, thinking that it will just be a short event where we go there to do our thing, and then go home. I don't think I contributed anything in anyway. I just thank God that I was not a burden. At least I did not cause much damage (only I couldn't pass the baton properly cause I cannot stop myself from slowing down when I ran). 

The main point is also to learn from this spirit of excellence. To give your best and even more. 

till then.

= do something right =