Been experiencing a lot of emotions regarding my job. It is akin to how I felt 7 years ago, when I wanted to leave my first role.

Will come back to that later. Just want to say that recently I think I am having a lot of misconceptions about God. Some getting cleared, some forming. It was an amazing night two Fridays ago when we had our teachers' prayer night. The theme was on first love and Pastor Ben from Talent Beacon Church came to share the message. He started off with a question - how would you tell someone that God loves you. 

Wow, what a profound question. I struggled to answer it, even till today. Many of them shared the instances when God came through for them or God blessed them with xxx. Which is great, as they have experienced God. I had a hard time trying to differentiate if I just love the gifts or the giver. isn't love unconditional? Meaning regardless of what God gave, or didn't give, He still loves me. It is something innately felt, just because He loves me, and not because God did this for me hence I know He loves me. One of my colleagues shared about her family struggles and how she did nothing, yet God still healed her entire family. That also allowed me to have the courage to share about my dad's accident. In that moment, I think my view of God changed. Yet, it was also in that moment, and the one instant that I hear God spoke to me. 'be still and know that I am God.' 

My parents are the things that I hold on the most. Of course I find it hard to let go of many things, but parents definitely rank #1 hardest. To cut the long story short, really received many prayers that day. Really thankful and I think my perspective shifted. That giving up my parents, doesn't mean that I do not love them, rather committing them and putting them in the hands of the Father, the creator, who else but God himself id able to take care of them. I also use to think that I need to exchange my love for my parents with my love for God. Like God's love needs to be ranked 1st and if I love my parents... then God is not my number 1. I think it is liberating to know that there is no one who loves my parents more than me than Go himself and He will take care of them, much much MUCH better than anyone on their planet will and can. Have faith that He will also want the best for them and will take care and provide for them. It doesn't mean my fear of losing them one day will be gone, but I can have peace knowing that God's got my back and I do not need to bear this burden. 

Also managed to bring 2 of my students to church, which is something quite amazing. Something that I never thought I would have done. God is always working around us and he invites us to be involved in His work.

Okay, let's go back to the job. Honestly... if you ask me what I dislike about my job. Its really the nitty gritty and the anxiety and fear of what is to come the scares me. Never thought I will be saying this but the admin work is crazy and the process is long. Colleagues are nice, but not all are exactly willing to go the extra mile for students with SEN. Understandable... they just want to do their job and go home, like everyone else. Students sometimes do drive me up and wall, but its okay, I also understand from their POV. Parents are also okay, emotional dump occasionally but still manageable. Actually really thank God. Thankful for all He has given me. SO... if you ask me what I do not like about the job. Or what's there not to like. my answer will be... I just don't like. sian. don't really know what I am doing. and I dislike this feeling. I also know the pool of students... know what is coming in the next few years. The trouble brewing in some sense. 

I dread going to work daily and that scares me. Going to a place, doing something that I do not enjoy scares me. Even though I am part of God's work, I am involved, investing into lives, yet. I'm not happy. I don't feel a sense of joy. Responsibility yes, duty yes, joy no. That scares me. It feels like I got it all wrong. I feel at war with myself sometimes. I don't enjoy holidays, knowing that school is going to start again. I think about what I need to do on Monday... on Friday when I go home. It makes me uptight. My flight response triggered. Work enjoyment is impt to me. 

Do I have 'dreams' or things I want to do? yeah. I actually love to try on different jobs. I remember someone asked me if I could have a superpower what would it be, I said to have the ability to try on as many jobs as possible. Get hired at the interviews, try out, quit and go on the next one. But of course, reality has set in and I would really really really want to find something that I love, and enjoy to do and stay in it for long. My jobs have been 3years or less. its crazy. Recently, I went for the info session to teach English to non-native speakers. I can do this remotely. But the classes are on weekends, so I scrapped it. I am also attending a OG course to teach literacy skills. Maybe I can work as an educational therapist in their centre or something. My dad would prefer me to stay in my current role, till I have a child then decide. Cause the benefits are good, he doesn't want me to waste the 4 months maternity and what not. Of course, it sounds good, got the leave and pay. But I don't want to stay in a job for this. I'm not happy, I think I will be stressed... don't even know if my baby will turn out fine at this rate. Anyways. tbtp. The only reason why i'm not moving is, I do not know where God is calling me next. Not that I always new. I usually just do my thing and flow. But now, I do not want to be rash. Supposedly wait upon the Lord. Though I really hope He tells me soon. 

Overall still thankful for the school, the colleagues, the students. Everyone is okay. Nice. The problem probably lies with me. Sometimes I feel God telling me that I am looking for joy at all the wrong places. He is probably right. Will try my best to think positive and find joy in the tight spaces. 

innately, i really hope something comes soon (thought no idea what)

= do something right =