There has been a few sermons on building the culture of the church recently. Though belonging to different series, but the core message is the same - to come together as one. When Ps Weilin touched on individualistic faith vs communal, she used puzzle pieces to depict the different roles making up one big picture of Christ. But when the puzzle pieces decide to not follow their specific roles, and want to be placed somewhere, the entire picture of Christ gets 'ruin'. Ps Wei Kai brought us through the model of belong > believe > become (or behave), it is not something that I am foreign to. There was also emphasis that our growth is important not just for ourselves, but for the people around you. 

I do believe and agree with what was shared. It is always easier to preach than to actually do it. Sometimes I really wonder if our congregation really understands what has been said to us, or they are just there to go through the motion and the message is just part of the program. Do they know that the message (and what I choose to believe), is what God wants to tell us, and the speaker is just a vessel? It isn't just Ps Wei Lin or Ps Wei Kai speaking, but God speaking through them? and perhaps why the messages keep sounding the same is because it is something that LOL currently lacks in. Maybe both leaders (not the pastors) and members alike? 所谓上梁不正，下梁歪

I have been pondering on some feelings I have and I got to admit, that it could be due to some expectations I have and that is why I would feel this way. For starters, church gives the impression that it should be the most welcoming place on earth (pardon the exaggeration), because the people in church are ambassadors of God's love. Oh but upon closer inspection, that is actually my expectation! As human beings, it is natural that we keep to our own comfortable circle of friends. Especially when you are introverted by nature (or age), not many of us have Alvin's superpower of interaction, even when we try our very best. Next is common topic, common life stage or common memories. I am honestly a very boring and quirky person. I can be interested in anything, yet also interested in nothing. Years of experience have taught me the right things to say to stay in the conversation, yet my ability to be transient as and when I want also allows me to slip away. Perhaps, nothing really interests me as I feel that the world or the things that we are exposing ourselves to are polluting our minds. What the people in the current congregation do, doesn't interest me, the things they talk about, the issues, they are what I see on a daily basis at work. The older friends who have left, they are either at a different stage of life, busy with kids or have created other common memories that I do not share. And lastly, need. The constant need to be needed, or maybe people only remembers me when I am needed. Yet we are all replaceable. So there is that dilemma there. Do I show myself as desperately wanting to help to quench my thirst of feeling needed, or offer different names to escape needing to be needed? 

Let's go back to Ps Wei Kai's model shall we? belong > believe > behave 

That is probably for new believers and yes, especially so for the younger generation. Everyone yearns to be in a community. Speakers often say, church is not a social club. yes it isn't. but that's what some people see it to be. A feel good, spiritual social club so that I will not feel too lonely on weekends. 

Anyways, for me, I think I stick to the older model believe > behave > belong. Maybe that is why I always feel that I am against the current. Of course I will feel good when my members feel belonged in the cell, but it makes me jumpy, not knowing why they behave in a certain manner and whether or not they know what they believe in. Perhaps, its the way I am being brought up, or maybe I have placed my expectation of cell and church high up on this pedestal. But when the feeling of belonging is not being met, the only thing that keeps me going of staying in a community, is the belief. Because it's God command and order and that is what is in the Bible.

In the previous paragraph, I mentioned about my expectation of church being the most welcoming place on earth. That is my flaw, that is an undue expectation and that is perhaps why I feel hurt and upset. Because my expectation is not met. It is indeed incredulous of me to have that expectation because church is also made up of imperfect people! So I just need to drop that expectation. 

It is okay to be part of the body of Christ, because God is the one who dictates you to be there. Not the other body parts. So then, what really is the issue?

All these feelings, cooped up inside of me. Wanting to feel belonged, but not being able to, though I tell myself it's okay, but sometimes feeling is it really okay? 

As I ponder deeper, the answer lies in my security in Christ. Am I secured enough to know that God is the one who placed me in this community, regardless of the way I perceive how they treat me? People do love me for who I am and I should not base their love for me on how many times they meet me or how quickly they reply me (just to name a few actions). 

Yet how do I not disregard what I am feeling? It's not easy to build a culture. Many times we are told that it starts with me. What if no one feels that there is a problem with the culture? Am I the issue? 

Anyways, this is my blog so I can share my own opinion. I speak for myself only. What I personally feel is that technology is to blame. In secondary school, my friends and I used to just sit somewhere and talk. We talk about everything. Homework, teachers, amine. We walked around, continue talking, commenting etc. Interaction took place. Constructive interaction. We were not glued to our phones watching somebody talking about things that doesn't make sense or played games that became our sole common topic. Sad to say, I hardly understand what the younger generation are saying now. Substituting words that don't mean what they really mean to form sentences that mean otherwise. Removing the phone or giving them the phone to do exactly what phones are supposed to do - call and text. Would probably be what I feel would have a significant impact. At least now, we won't be distracted by our machines. 

Self-centeredness. This is also something that I fall prey to. Maybe if people are a little less self centered, church would become a better place. A more welcoming place. Minus technology, we can fully connect with people. Our attention would not be drawn away, the content of what we talk about with perhaps become broader. 

But I'm still a work in progress. Reading emotionally healthy discipleship to get back on track. Especially the part about coming from a place of being, instead of purely doing. Sense that God is speaking to me through what I am going through and I do not want to be led by circumstances, situations and environment. Though I still fall into it sometimes. But I want to find security and joy in Christ. Definitely more work to be down. 

Was talking to my esthetician today. She said that other than being comfortable in cell, cell should also help you to grow. When you grow, you'll naturally feel uncomfortable, hence cell provides a safe space for you to do so. Maybe that's something a church can work towards to, especially when we are in God's business of growing spiritually matured Christians. Providing a safe space for people to do so, not focusing on self, but each other. 

= do something right =