last post of 2009

is it read out as 2-0-1-0 or twenty-ten.. hmm.. i cannont quite decide.
today marks the journey of 2009.. that means since i'm 17 this year, i've been on this earth for 17 years.
next year will be another new chapter or my live... actually, for everyone. new chapter= new beginnings= new reunions=new separations=new perpective=new.. oki.. you get the idea ^^
anyways, to end of this yearr's post. i  would like to maybe put some snippets/ shots about my life this year, how it was changed adversely, and how some bits still remains the same.

JJC, orientation for newbies. haha cannot believe that i'll be j2 next year. and i've just entered the sch in feb.seems so unrealistic >< haha .anyways, my class is a really crazy and noisy one--especially during maths lesson haha but i love them still.

LINE CAMP----its kind of ironic come to think of it. i still remember vivdly the day i told my dad: oki, when i go into JC, i'll not run for council, i'll not do anything to make people notice me whatsoever. i'll be a normal student and just stay LOW PROFILE. however, i soon succumbed to the enticing notion of being a scholar---so i went to sign up for the scholar development programme, but one of its criteria was leadership, so i got myself 'enrolled' into line camp. and tada.. that's just me trying to be low profile. -.- haha but i'm glad that God chose this path for me, as i got a chance to make some great friends who are always there for me!

there was talentime. haha after which li hui, sellek and i rushed back to our sec sch for initiation night....

and of course the study programme for councillors... not to mention take a break seesion= camwhoring session

of course my personal favourite: MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!! hehe

Council bbqs were plenty i should say. haha we organised more bbqs for ourselves than activites for the school :P.

well, met up with STAR buddies on tuesday (29/12) for our STAR SPECIAL BIG PROJECT. haha it was fun, seeing everyone again. aww.. kind of miss those times...

anways, the great thing about today i tha ti'll be going for the countdown at marina bay with my sec sch council friends!! woohoo!!cannot wait.

there are lots of first this year too:

1) first new friends

2)new sch

3) first year i'm wearing specs T.T

4) sleeping at 12am for about 3 consecutive days

5) sleeping on the floor for a change

6) watch a horror movie on and off

7) spending the night in sch impromtu

8)going back to sch to study during the june holidays for about 7-9hours everyday (minus weekends)

9) having almost the entire dec holidays to myself

10) talking to God the most times  when i'm alone at home ( which is a good thing )

11) getting irritated at little stuff (blame it on my hormones!!)

12) gaining many more gors haha thanks guys for being there for me!

13) exercising during the holidays!!!! i use to take my metabolism rate for granted ><

14) sitting for theory grade 6-- with zero confidence:(

15) sewing presents for my friends during Christmas

16) going to kbox without my friends dragging me in there

17) building a swimming pool out of tables, canvas and raffia

18) going to like 5 bbqs????

19) hosting on an extended stage

20) taking pictures with weird expressions instead of just smiles and toothy grins (though i'm not sure my facil expression can go beyond that)

21) reading almost all the nutritional value table on food before buying them^^ healthy living!!

22) going to my piano teacher's house like... 3 per week?

23) accepting some stupid trojan virus from chia chong cher grrr...

24) spending like 5 hours in front of the computer every morning.. wait.. i think i've done that before last year.

25) mio tv!!!

26) been to causeway point .. its been.. like.... 6 years since i last went there.

27) waiting for a friend that was about 1hr and 15 mins late

28) being arrowed by a teacher (thanks ms ng) to direct a play.

29) clearing my wardrobe(actually its my mum, i was just lying on my bed and giving my consent to clothes that she was about to throw)

30) going to zhejiang!!! and making bffs on just the first day!!! hui yi and rab!! love you guys!!!

31) most recent: played wii with cass and lin. haha it was hilarious!!!!

31 things i did this year that i didn't do before, of course there will be lots more. haha

new year= new beginnings=new journey=new memories= new experiences=new chapter in life.

a levels next year... i cannot wait.. haha

enjoy the last moment of this year, hope that it will be a fruitful one, cherish everyone around you cause a moment only last for the moment. one fleeting second. then poof.. its gone.

=do something right=

that wound on my tiny little finger

Though its already 2 days past Christmas, but i still have an unfulfilled Christmas wish.. and that is for my fingers to recover. the rash seems to be spreading. From my ring finer to my middle finger. the little pinkie on my right hand seems to have caught the bug too. hopefully it'll be allright...

i need to refrain form seafood as well as my love--nuts :( that's really depressing.
NO MORE PEANUT BUTTER
NO MORE GROUND NUTS
NO MORE, NO MORE..

sigh... well hopefully this little sacrifice will be able to cure my finger, then i don't need to keep waking up in mt sleep to scratch that icthy little thing. when dawn breaks, i don't need to see the pus oozing out of the wound i 'conjured' out during the night.----then i won't have the relentless fear of the need to amputate my finger. then i won't need to apply the cream,that mum says is filled with steriod and that i feeding my wound with drugs.just the mere thought of it scares me.

here i am, rantting about this little wound i have and my bespectacled face is peering at it now.
i'm just wishing that it will all go away..

it will all go away...

=do something right=

Whirlwind Christmas!

it has been a WHIRLWIND CHRISTMAS EVE--hence the blog title. haha met up with not one, not two, but seven friends today to pass them my presents^^ yippeee!!! hope that they liked what i gave them^^
well. would like to wish everyone of my friends, family members, EVERYONE:
BLESSED CHRISTMAS!!!!

yesterday was gift exchange day for cabinet council--pictures are on facebook. hehe was quite fun, hui yi, rab and me were like running around from vivo to harbourfront centre to look for gifts to buy for our exchange partners. i dipped and got jia cheng. woah hard man!!! wanted to buy a bracelet for him, but couldn't find a suitable one, or that the bracelelt cost a bomb. haha so got him this poster that said: when i fart, i blush which was uber cute. seriously!!! and three badges with tortise and emoticons on it. initiall i bouth him a tagged which said: shadd up. but i lost it along our 'amazing gift race' :( so was quite sad. i got a bag of sweets from michelle!!! the bag itself was gorgeous already, plus it came in a silver box which was quite authentic^^ haha. then took jump shots in which i was apparently blocked in some of them but who cares? haha it's the fun that counts!!

anyways, i did some mini cushions for six of my friends so here are the pictures:

before, the outline stage, using tiny coloured beads. mixture of read and blue.

stage two is to fill the outline with coloured sequins of your choice. tedious i know, but the final product is worth it:

don't forget to add your initials at the back^^ i used the thread to form: with love clare.

next stage is to add stuffing--cotton wool, not too full as you need to sew it up. the mini cushion will look like this:

isn't it cute? haha.

if you like, you can also add tiny details using leftover beads:

heart shape or bunny motif are uber adorable :)

or you can just add simple star shape sequins^^.

so here are all the 6 designs that i made:

yup, these are all the products.

i personally like the back cause there are my initials^^

of course i did receive presents in return:

some of the presents are not in here though. cause they are either in the fridge, or in my stomach (thanks xiang rong for the fries)>< haha

of course my personal favourite:

uber cute piano pedal socks from my piano teacher!!! woohooo!!!! haha

then mum bought this really huge dinner bundle from crystal jade. there was turkey and burgers:

mushroom pastry!!!!

my personal favourite: hotdog cocktail!!! oops.. haha where did one go? guilty of eating it^^

turkey and chicken cutlet. mum said that log cake feast it tomorrow. haha cannot wait!!!

my dinner. mum said i should eat porridge, since i was so giddy after rushing from je to home to jurong spring cc to boon lay. haha. thanks for being able to nake it people!!!

this month of december have been filled with hope, and crashes. ups and falls.

i'm still in a state of confusion. of trying very hard to supress some feelings of outburst and maybe outrage.

haven't been sleeping or eating well due to that.

i wish i can rewind back to the time where everything was normal for me. to me.

well, just hope that i can hang in there. i really want to reach my ultimate goal!!!

i must not forget my ultimate goal.

press on clarissa, push forward.

don't look back, just keep going forward and excel!

don't look back.

don't look back.

HAVE A BLESSED CHRISTMAS!

PRAISE YE THE LORD!!!!!

LOVE YOU GOD!

= do something right =

learn to let go

Forget to add in the previous post:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY YONG KANG XIAO DI!

haha. oki, now that that's said and done. here to rant again. hmm.. i felt
GREAT!!!!! on saturday.woohoo.. so it was like a breath of fresh air for me, on that day.. well as said by irene, tomorrow will be better!!^^

oki, today was day 1 of my present giving day--its tough being a teenage santa, haha cause all my friends have diff committments, so i need to meet them at diff timing etc. haha
haven't been doing much studying lately too. cause had to settle some stuff haha.. i guess^^ hehe.
hmm.. well this week will be filled with present giving and celebrations. haha

i hope that i can forget about all this..
i have this new resolution:
1) set a target everyday and fufil it everyday.
2) that target everyday is suppose to help you reach your ultimate goal
3) my ultimnate goal is: haha i'm not telling you
maybe only my cloest friends know but, i really what to achieve my ultimate goal. i really need to achieve it!!!

haha.hmm.. maybe instead of  new year resolution, i can have a christmas resolution. hmm...haha
i really want to do something for myself and achieve something forr myself, i don't really want to care about .. as in care too much about others. haha hopefully i can sort of 'pamper' myself this once,just this once, i don't want my heart too have too many scars, it has braved quite a number of winds alone, and out  of sight. though i have friendswhom i can pour my heart out, but i still would rather face them alone sometimes. but just this once. till i achieve it, i hope that my heart won't need to have so many scars.

as said by this girl in this korean drama: glory of the family:
the best way to show someone who doesn't love you that you love them, is if you give up on loving that person. 

haha well.. maybe? i'm not so sure.but i think it sounds quite magnanimous doesn't it ^^
hmm.. hopefully i'll have a happy and great Christmas with all my friends and that they will all like my gifts!!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE--in advance!!

=do something right=

another rocky week

another rocky week. again.

though the best day was wednesday, cause i ge tto go out with mum-FINALLY!
got taylor swift's platinum edition cd of 'fearless'+ clothes. haha been a long time since i've sort of replenished my wardrobe. bought some new outfits.. cheap and the bes thting...-----almost all are free-of-charge!!! thanks to the causeway point vouchers we got haha.

anyways, still struggling with the mixed emotions i have lately. comprising of confusion, pain, a bit of envy and basically just angry with myself. haha its like. "why can't i control my own emotions." i've been telling myself the same line over and over again "aviodance is a necessary evil" and an additional one: 'get real, move on' haha well.. its kind of working cause i don't feel that much pain already. though sometimes i still get confuse.
this blog is so useful for me to just type and rant on and on about emotions, when half the time, my readers may not know what i'mtalking about.

just want to tell people out there if you're as confused as me, its good to take a time off and just talk aloud to yourself, about youur worries and stuff.(do it in your room or a private and personal space when you're alone, or to a friend but ask he/she to be silent and just listen). after pouring it out to yourself, you'll find that actually things aren't that bad after all. in addition, sometimes you're the only one who has the answers to your worries/ troubles.

well... i'm kind of envious that some of my friends get to do stuff that i don't get to do. its like they have it all going their way, with additional opportunities. hmm.. well.. i guess that's reality.

when i was little i used to think about what talents i have and that even if i don't have a talent now, when i grow up, i'll realise what's my talent. however, now that i'm 17.. i still don't know my talent. hopefully God has a plan for me. haha i'm just a nobody, but i'm happy and glad to be a nobody! but sometimes when i look at my friends or the people around me. i cannot help but notice their god qualities their talents, then look at myself and wonder.. do i have any talents? haha well..  that's food for thought.

that's about all folks. i really hope things will get better cause its CHRISTMAS WEEK next week. plus i want to give out my presents with a HUGE SMILE. hopefully... it'll come back.. i pray earnestly. hopefully.

=do something right=

it's over

it's over-jesse mccartney

We've run out of words, we've run out of time
we've run out of reasons really why we're together
we both know it's over baby bottom line
it's best we don't even talk at all

don't call me even if i should cross your mind
hard enough i don't even need to hear your voice on my messages
let's just call it quits it's probably better
so if i'm not returning your calls its cause

cause i'm not coming back i'm closing the door
i use to be tripping over missing you but i'm not anymore
i got the picture phone baby your picture's gone
couldn't stand to see your smile everytime you dialed

cause its over,
girl, you know its over this time
so when you call i'm pressin seven
don't want to hear your messages messages
i'm trying to erase you from my mind

cause it's over
i swear girl its over this time
so don't keep calling, leaving messages
don't want to know where you've been
baby cause its over.

this song matches my emotions perfectly. haha. not that i'm in a relationship or anything. i'm too young to be in one anyways ^^. its just sometimes. the things people do.. make me feel this way.
just hope things get better, Almighty LORD please help me.

this paragraph is something that i use to remind myself lately:
Avoidance is a necessary evil,
even if it swallows you up,
it devours you,
throws you into confusion
even if you want it to stop,
even if its making you numb,
you still need it.

by telling myself that.. i'm trying to numb my thoughts.

lately.. some i;ve been revisiting some memories of the past mistakes that i've committed. as much as i want to erase them.. i can't . i don't know why i've thought of them after so long. but i hope i can bury it deep in my heart. i cannot tell anyone. cause i don't trust myself. i on;y trust God. i just want it all to  go away. to be erased. i want it to be over.

last few posts have been quite negative :( sadly. hopefully things will be better. towards a brighter future, a brighter tomorrow!

GOD LEAD AND GUID ME!

=do something right=

Apologies

Sorry

Sorry, it doesn't mean anything anymore.
The more you say it, the more worthless it gets.
Sorry! Stop it, its driving mad.
No more apologies, it mean nothing.

I use to think that a sorry was a word
that could be used to heal a thousand and one souls
A word which could condone one's mistakes
One that encompass a plea for forgiveness.

But i was wrong.
What's my hobby now?
Collecting apologies.
How many can i get? geez, beats me!

I tried to take it in my stride,
to reason it out --to explain why
Giving myself excuses, saying "hey i'm fine
It's not their fault, it's mine"

I know that has to stop,
but i can't just press the red button.
Certianly not right now.. right?
Sorry. Yikes! i just said it to myself.

i should stop doing it
Sorry doesn't count.
The more you say it the more worthless it gets.
Sorry, no more apologies.

it has been quite a two weeks for me.
describing it in a phrase:
an emotional roller coaster.
in one word:
apologies
one alphabet:
X

this may be one of the most suffocating weeks of my life. hmmm.. hopefully God heard my pleas for help.
its like sinking to the bottom of a swimming pool, even when you're struggling to stay a float, you're still denser than water and you'll just go back down. Sometimes, it feels like there is this trampoline in the pool. your entire body bounces up and down. when you're up, you feel like you're out of the water, freed. but then, something triggers you to go down again.

one phrase to describe this feeling:
i feel like i'm dying
one word:
suffocating
one emoticon:
:S

it all boils down to telling or not telling. i didn't know that it would  affect me this much. if i'd known, i wouldn't have developed it in the first place. i would have stop it. i would.. saying all these 'i would' make me sound so superficial. as if i could turn back time, or pretend nothing will happen. one voice in my head is asking me to : get real, move on. another.. there is no another. or maybe there is. a tiny one... asking me to relax, pamper yourself once in a blue moon--- turn the tables now on others.. don't keep saying you're fine with it. but no. i had to stop the voice, its not me, its not me.

one phrase to describe it:
i am torn between the two.
one word: confused
one symbol: %

i really hope it will be all right.
i really want it to be all right
i'm praying that it will be all right

i hope that you can understand
i want you to understand
i'll pray that you'll understand

i really want to get back to the normal me
i really want to get back to the carefree me
i'll pray that i'll revert back to the normal, smiley, carefree me

thanks* veron for listening to me!!!
THANKS* GOD FOR HELPING ME UNBOTTLE SOME STUFF, AND POURING IT OUT TO YOU.

GOD, PLEASE HELP ME!

=do something right=