running.. throws my mind into a tummult of emotions.. its like i have to fight with my body, my heart and my mind. all of them give different views. my legs yell stop at the next tree. my heart aches as memories flow and my mind, exhausted from all the shouting my body and heart is giving that i has to control both and at the same time, flashbacks keep coming.
its insanely stressful but at the end, when i do reach my set destination.. i do calm down..
though i feel like everything is going to explode inside of me and all i want to go is to scream out to the water. which i manage to prevent myself from doing so as to stop people from staring at me like an insane mad woman.
running is like a jolt back to reality.. where this reality i have now is just a facde i'm trying to paint and keep up. no doubt tough but enjoyable. its in this little world where though faced with problems.. but solutions would always come out from some other person and my concentration would be broken or i can be distracted by even the trivial little things. but when i'm jogging. no. the pain comes. its like a wake up call... i cannot hide under the mask of swaet no matter how hard i try to.
i have to pull myself together. no matter how long it takes. things got better during the last few days. i've pretty much been again to stop thinking already and instead, shifted my mind to other things. which is progress.. something that i have not had for a very long time. maybe it's good to cry it out once in a while. just like i did on wed. shouted/brawled/tears streaming.. everything just to let it out. i think i might consider to shout every morning just to let off some steam. i have to start somewhere. haha :)
though i still play impossible scenarios in my head.. they are called impossbile for a reason. haha
this pretty lady above, she's lee young eun. haha was watching likeable or not this afternoon.and her characeter.. would be the character i want to be if i'm caught up in a messy relationship as her.the man she loved has married.. although his marriage becomes messy later.. but she still tries her best to patch them back. haha. then there's this senior there.. who's always there to make her laugh. in the show! haha i really like it :)
yup, that him allright. haha eh.. not very good-looking or anything.. i'm just saying. that its good to have smeone at the back supporting you :)
i guess, i have to stop all this daydream. as much as i'm feeling oki now, i'm still not ready for the ultimate test. yup. so please God, i really don;t want it to happen now. haha eh..i really need wakeup calls. playing that sentence, over and over again is enough haha. so i really need to keep it up.
the more it hurts, the harder i must smile.
even though.. in the future. my heart may be locked in this diamond-encrusted glass cage.. and it would take years to heal.. or maybe it would never heal. just let it hibernate for the time being. i just want to do well in uni. going to give it my best shot and give it all i got.
quotes from the latest 2 books i've finished reading:
'it was strange how words meant something when they first came out of your mouth. Inside your head they were safe and silent, but once they were out, people grabbed hold of them.'
'sometimes, if you want something badly enough, you can make it happen. If you miss someone so desperately that it wrecks your insdes, you say their name over and over until you conjure them. It's called sympathetic majic and you just have to believe in it to make it work'
from you against me by jenny downham....'you want this to be a love story?'
'i know how a moment can pass-how you've really wanted to say something to someone or do something, but something happens and you don't, and you almost want to explode afterwards because you didn't do it. and i know you get annoyed when people come in here and try to make stupid memories like becoming sporting heroes and play around on their wives with prettier women. because its not what its about. it's about fixing a moment back to the way it should have been, had you not got distracted, or if you wren't such a coward or if you had known that that lost moment was the only moment you had to say or do what you wanted.'
'it is not the memory he needs to change. it was almost perfect.... it is what he regrets, what beats him up insdie that makes him relive it over and over a thousand times a day'
from girl in the mirror by cecelia ahern
haha maybe i'll try sympathetic magic.. but what good would it do?
it wouldn't change a thing. because that is just another impossible scenario that i played up in my head. so let me just be happy..when the time comes to act. i think i would. for now.. other than playing the waiting game, i just have to move on.
read more books baby!!! :)
=do something right=
No comments:
Post a Comment