Was trying to find this post that I wrote before, or at least I thought so. But I cannot find it. Anyways...
We discussed the habit of bravery yesterday and we were asked to share if we have any fears (mini fears to be exact) that we can practice the habit of bravery on. It was actually quite hard for me to figure out the mini fears. I do have a big fear. Mini fears... not really.
One of the reasons could be this: I received a card from a friend a few years ago, what struck me what the words printed on the card 'Feel the fear and do it anyways'. It is probably a very secular thinking, but the words have stuck by me ever since. It made me understand that it is okay to feel fearful. It is a feeling after all. But what comes next is what I call 'the plunge'. The scariest part about free-falling (other than hitting hard ground/getting injured/dying), is the moment before you take the free fall. It feels something like that.
It is interesting how everyone shared a fear - honestly, I have the same fears too. I have a fear of starting a habit and falling short of maintaining it. I have a fear of the dark (of something 'touching' me, of seeing an ugly figure etc). I have a fear of calling parents too. I have a fear of standing on stage and saying the wrong things, or just saying the wrong things in general. I have a fear of taking responsibility of my words. I have a fear of committing to something outside of the usual church time. I am scared of cats (ask Weilin), I have a fear of heights too.
I have a fear of starting a habit and falling short of maintaining it - I dislike the feeling of being disappointed in myself, I don't like the grind, and also feeling weak and lack of discipline. At the same time, it is an opportunity to build a good habit, it also teaches me to spur myself on and to know that it takes time, but I learn to be consistent, to reap the benefits.
I have a fear of the dark (of something 'touching' me, of seeing an ugly figure etc) - this stems from when I was young. I was scared of the queen from Snow White. I was petrified after watching Professor Quirrell unwrap his head to reveal Voldermort on the other side. I didn't dare go to the toilet by myself for at least a few weeks. But I knew that I need my rest and my sleep. As long as I shut my eyes, I won't be that scared anymore. Of course I need to stop scaring myself. Sometimes the darkness can be a very calming time. When you feel darkness engulfing you in a comforting hug. Or when you cry yourself to sleep at night, you thank God for the covering at night.
I have a fear of calling parents too. Of yes! Definitely! Sometimes texting too. Especially in my line of work. Some parents have expectations or ask questions that are hard to answer. Sometimes I am afraid that the parents will given an unfavourable reply. Which I need to explain to the pastors, or the high-ups. I will feel is it me? Is it the lack of communication skills in me? Or something that I said that did not 'pitch' the matter properly? I will also think, if the person who communicated was not me, things might probably be different. A great example would be the case of BMT. I probably thought that I fell short of something, or I was not convincing enough, hence a parent did not want their child to go for BMT. With all due respect, I would think Weilin is able to convince the parent to let her child come for BMT lol. At work... I usually say a prayer, before calling a particular parent. I really need all the courage I can get to ... be brave. Its part of my responsibility as well. But I thank God that so far, it has been all right.
I have a fear of standing on stage and saying the wrong things, or just saying the wrong things in general. Standing on stage is probably because I am afraid I will bore the audience. I need to prep many times, rehearse many times, to put on my best performance. I do not do well with impromptu. The limelight is good for me, if I know what to do and say. haha. Saying the wrong things and rectifying it is all right to me actually. Just saying the wrong things in the moment, or not being sure about what I am saying. But I think experience has taught me that if I really do not know something, I will just say I do not know. Or to be clear about things first, before going on stage. Same for cell. I admit when I am wrong or when I do not know how to answer a member's question.
I have a fear of taking responsibility of my words. Same as above, especially when there are consequences involved. Hence always check back. I admit, I am also easily influenced by what other people say, but over the years, I just rationalise what was told to me and if its good, I will take it. Usually they become stories of 'that time my friend told me...'. At the same time, I ensure that what I say is accurate. That way I do not need to worry about what I say, and yes, building the habit of being tactful is very important.
I have a fear of committing to something outside of the usual church time. It used to be more of the tiredness and inconvenience. I use to dread wpc, now, not so much. I definitely still enjoy the LOL one, instead of the combined one. But I know I always leave wpc feeling refreshed by God (mainly for the LOL one). But I think the thing that gets to me is sometimes I feel for the combined one... it feels a bit distant. I understand the part where they say one church, one family. Unfortunately, it is not really like that to me. I like to get to know people better on a one-to-one basis, like talking to Meiping jie or Uncle Kunming. Its just me haha. But I think the only way to do this is really to just show up and I am sure that I will be blessed :)
I am scared of cats. Ah yes. Currently, only 2 cats make my list of cute - and tolerable. 1) Pusheen. 2) Weilin's cat, Elvis. Cause he doesn't bite or scratch, according to Weilin. He is somewhat lazy and his paw is soft. I got stalked by a black cat before - origin of my fear. It was super creepy. Hence I flinch or stay far away whenever I see cats around. Does this fear affect my life? Erm... sometimes when I see strays and I am alone. Other than that, I guess it is fine?
I have a fear of heights. I don't like the free-falling feeling. Hence no roller coasters nor high-speed accelerator rides. No bungee jumps. But I do this 'sadistic' things where I look over the edge of a high building. I am actually okay if I am strapped down. Did rock climbing with Rachel Bea to face her fear together... ended up also kind of facing mine.
The fear I shared was on how people think about me. You can also say the fear of people not liking me. I think it also stems from being afraid of being an outcast, not belonged. At the same time, I am quite moralistic. Though everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but I have come to believe that you do not need to say everything you think out. Regardless of your personality. Maybe I am a little fake that way. I like cordial atmosphere. I also tend to put 'my standard' on others, passing judgments in my head, here and there. You know the saying 'stick and stones can break my bones by words will never hurt me' it is untrue. Words hurt as much as sticks and stones do. Past experiences either fuel the fear or fuel a reaction to the fear. For example, when I try to say something and someone dismisses it or ignores it -> it adds to the fear bank. My brain registers, 'what I say is probably not important hence the person just dismiss or ignore'. Sometimes people will say things like 'Clare is a responsible girl.' I feel added pressure to be responsible, or rather show that I am responsible. I think this is a part about the post I made last Saturday, about having to uphold an image of people have of me. Things like 'she is nice.', 'she is very zai.'. Just because it is something one off does not mean that it happens every time. I tend to want to do more if people don't put all these 'labels' on me. This also indirectly feeds my fear, I end up doing something out of the fear that people won't like me if I do not do it. People will feel disappointed in me if my current quality falls shot of my previous quality. Ironically - that is probably how I might see people. Or maybe impressions wise. Was a bit affected when Nic called me the 'tired one' yesterday - cause being 'tired' is something that I wanted to break free from - hence my goal of getting enough rest. It also started cause Grace said 'You are always tired all the time.' --> that was a wake up call for me, that I did not want to always say that I am tired. I understand what Songwei means by 'a lot of negative thoughts in his mind', there is really a battle inside the head, and like how Weilin said, we need to learn to hold up our weapons. Been trying to rationalise in my head and somethings the things that I am thinking might not be very deep, but just emotional. It happened again when I needed to share my fear and Yong En said 'She confirm have one, just that she don't want to share.'. Haha my brain is just very slow, I need time to process and the fears that I have are one too many, at the same time.... after calculating the cost, it is actually quite okay. (see above for my explanation for the fears). Perhaps you might think that I am not very brave, to not voice out last night and to just type it here where not many will read. But in that moment, I know it was the right think to do. For my tongue can be very sharp and when it lashes, things can turn ugly and make the entire atmosphere very awkward, where it was just talking about fears. It might seem very petty to people, but it affects me. Things people say do affect me. Hence Nic's advise was to take what is constructive and ignore the rest. I think it also boils down to feeling secured in Christ. Knowing that He created each and everyone of us in His image, and He understand all our feelings and frustrations. At the same time, he accepts us for who we are as long as we come to Him to repent and we can always pour out everything to him.
I enjoyed the Bravery chapter, it was a good closure to our Hungry Habits. Knowing that it can be nurtured also give it an extra boost as it also means that you have a choice. Taking risks in my professional life is easier than risks in my personal life - at this point in time haha maybe cause I do not have much financial commitments. Also, I have seen how God provided for me in my professional life :) I also need to start being braver in my personal life. Without losing the tact, or maybe to point it out if I see something questionable. Practicing how to say it with tact is also a skill that requires mastery.
Thankful for this outlet to share. There are two songs that come to my head when I was writing this post. 1) Brave by Sara Bareilles and 2) Dark Side by Kelly Clarkson.
I like the lyrics, let me share them with you and the post will end.
= do something right =
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