This week has been busy and overwhelming! 

The thoughts were more unbearable this morning. Much more self-doubt, loneliness and just feeling inadequate. 

I honestly feel that I'm not indispensable. Whether I'm there or not won't make much difference. They can always find someone to replace me. Probably need some time to adjust but after a while, it'll be fine. Its always will be. 

Feel kind of handicap now that Althea is away in the Swiss. Its like losing one of my arms. I really feel that I need them more than they need me. They are young, capable, full of energy and they can connect with the members well. I'm there for administrative purposes? 

Those were my initial thoughts. Not sure why the thoughts were intense this morning. It could be comparison between leaders. Its could be my low self-esteem. I really feel with Althea and Alvin, when I'm being changed out, anyone who replaces me will thrive. My cell members are extremely cute as well, won't have much issues. 

It could be not having people work at the same pace as me. I'm actually quite impatient. I like to settle things fast. Plan things earlier etc. If others won't do it, I'll do it myself. Quality assured (to the best of my abilities),

But I was really touched my Weilin's sermon today. God really knows what I need. The sermon talked about spiritual warfare. How we need to take up our armour, take up our spiritual weapons and keep holding it there. The part that hit me was a video she showed of this lady who went to train like a professional boxer and had her first sparing session. She got defeated though it was just a friendly match. But the trainer was always beside her, reminding her to keep her hands up, telling her that she can do it, to keep moving. Its really the cheering and just being by her side that hit me. Though she might be on the losing end, but the trainer did not just let her be or ask her to give up. He was with her, right till the end. 

Michelle prayed for me today. Being a thinker type, I know that God doesn't need me to prove how much I've done to gain His love and all. Sometimes, it isn't God's love that I lack, but human affirmation. Or rather it could also be human expectation that I have trouble dealing with. My own and others. Or others have certain impressions of me that I need to live out. 

Humans can be the most unforgiving creatures, being an adult amplifies that. It makes me feel that as adults, we need to have it all together. We can't make mistakes. I had this conversation with God when I was walking home one day. I told him that I missed being young and a student. An intern. An intern is allowed to make mistakes and not bear the full brunt of the consequences. A student can make a mistake, say sorry and not leave with much scars, after all, they all young and 'ignorant'. I'm not talking about crimes committed. We have the law for that. But more of like work and responsibilities. I always feel like I have no room for failure. The older I grow, the lesser courage I have. 

I think twice, thrice before I say anything. I learn to keep my opinions to myself and just do what I'm told to do. I withdraw and observe more than I speak. Why? Simply because honest thoughts hurt people.  At the same time, following instructions is easier than owning something and bearing responsibility when something goes wrong. I was fearless when I was a teenager. But now, I'm more fearful. One wrong step and boom. In addition, I'm not some 有头有脸的人，that can 我行我素。I need to conform and continue to stay as the person people think I am. 

Kind of veering off course, but those are some of my innermost thoughts. God knows, but so does the devil. If I am not careful, he will use it to low blow me. Hence the point on keeping my hands up or rather taking and holding up my spiritual weapons. Its gets tired but the fight only ends when we come face to face with God in eternity. Definitely looking forward to that! 

I feel better now. After being prayed for and together, as well as typing it out. Probably just need an outlet. The struggle never ends and I should use the same teaching as I shared with my cell today - to look for biblical principles in the Bible to help me fight this.  I really do enjoy going for cell and just being with them. Maybe just the thought of not being needed scares me. But God is doing something with Carriers and I need to continue to partner with Him in this journey. 

Maybe someone else is better suited for the role. There are more experienced, skilled leaders out in LOL who would do a better job than me. But I thank God that He chose to use me despite my iniquities, self-doubt and low esteem. Till the baton is passed, I'll do my best and I have faith, God will do the rest. He is immutable, stable and independent of how I feel. I believe He sustains the cell and will bring the cell further. 

= do something right =