This week has been overwhelming.
There is no one in church that I can turn to to really talk about how I am feeling. Everyone is busy with their own lives and I do not want to burden anyone. Managed to off load a bit to May, but even so, I do not want to trouble her as she has other priorities in life right now.
This is perhaps the only space and outlet, besides talking to God.
How I wish I can be like Ps Nic, taking one month off to recalibrate and realign and rest. December was a crazy month for me. What about my honeymoon? You say. It was good. But the chats were going on and on and on and I cannot not reply because not one else is going to reply if I don't. Till the point where my husband remarked 'you asked me not to look at my work phone and here you are, looking at yours.' DC really really drove me crazy. I really do not understand why there are so many leaders BUT no one is moving, or everyone is moving in different directions. Or maybe I am just bad at coordinating everything. Even though it has been 1 month since it happened, but I feel that I am still living in the aftermath of it. I feel very burn out and not given enough time to recuperate. Then its Jan again and its even more intense this month. With work, new processes, new cell members. My health has not been great. Been popping pills every other day. Yes, pills.
Its really been work, cell, but thank God that I managed to put in some friend catching up here and there. But my mind is always 24/7 work and cell. Things to do, to follow up, to prepare.
Really feel like quitting life. It has been tiring and there are just so so so many things pent up inside. Maybe not quitting life per se, but quitting responsibilities. You know people, whom when you give them responsibilities, they will be motivated to do well and start glowing? I think I am the opposite. Responsibility can be my achilles heel. The more responsibilities, the more burden. It could be because of expectation, or the imposter syndrome, or living up to people's expectation. Actually the latter two, not so much anymore. I honestly do not really care what people think of me already. Maybe I care too much about how other people feel.
There have been times where I just want to say 'no' to pastors (okay, I need to apologise, I cannot really say no at work, cause... if I do, then I am really not doing my job). Then why can say no to pastors? which I have not. But treading very very fine line. I am not saying no cause...well the member is under my care, though I feel that it would be easier if the pastors just reach out to the member directly.. but nvm, I am okay to do it. Just in that moment, when you are suffering from a runny nose and a stiff neck and you really do not feel your best, you just want to put down everything, and sleep with no worries. but it is so so so hard. I really cannot recall a time when I am able to sleep soundly. not once. maybe I should probably pop the yellow pill to knock myself out. But so far, I am still fighting against a lot of moments where I just want to say no.
What I would like now is really rest and worry-free. Hmm.. kind of goes against what Ps Weilin preached. An untouched life will not bear fruits. I think I am probably in the struggling mode, still hanging on to what rope there is left. But I feel better, being able to type it out. Being the oldest in LOL (minus teacher's cell), its hard to find people to talk to and share about what I am going through. LCG has also been very touch and go. Material based. It is supposed to mimic cell... does that mean, that is how my cell has been? very touch and go? probably. truth be told, I think my ALs can connect to them better than me. I mean duh. The age gap is real and the things that they do, like gaming do not interest me. In addition... these are the games that my students in school play too and that is also giving rise to addiction. Unlike Alvin and ZT, who plays the games and Althea, who serves in KKidz, so she kind of also know them and the gap is not very big, there are able to start a conversation with the members. On the other hand, I am also someone who is comfortable with silence. Like sitting in a table with 4 of my cell members and not talking (hasn't happen yet, just an example, but close!) Sometimes, I am also limited by my own thinking. Sigh. maybe I am the problem. I just feel like, everything has been about doing. BUT IF I DON'T DO, WHO WILL?
Its really back to having the same feeling I felt last month during the entire DC prep. Too many cooks spoil the soup, but the soup will not cook on its own and this soup pot is also very big. By God's grace it turned out fine. But it was a really draining time.
This year, I also understand that my ALs have their own struggles and their own lives to lead. Hence I am trying not to tax them, it feels like they have a lot going on while I am really just working and cell. My life (or what is left of it), is not very vibrant. It just feels very moody and gloomy. I really hope that things will be better soon.
Been reading Genesis, cause after Experiencing God session 2, I realised that the story starts with God, not me. I'm perhaps that supporting character that the main lead always needs to help, or like the main lead's drinking buddy lol. My life is a mess, my brain is in a mess, yet the pile of things to finish is still there. The world does not stop for you to get your game together before it moves on. It just moves on. Praying that I will continue to have green leaves even though I am feeling the heat. (not to mention, white hair sprouting out).
Really need to walk with God, just like how Adam and Eve did.
but in the eye that's where peace is found.
In the arms of my Saviour,
Jesus Christ my Lord without a frown.
Help me O Lord to stay close to you,
even when thunder roars and lightning drowns.
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