To be reshaped by the potter

Went through Experiencing God, Unit 5 Day 3 today. It was a pivotal moment for me and I want to document it down. 

Q4 Write what God has recently revealed to you about His Character. How have you responded?

Ever since my dad's accident and also not being able to study speech therapy twice, my view of God changed.

God, you felt like someone who could take away anything from me as you please, even though I felt that I was being 'a good Christian'. I have been performing and trying to control you. Using how the world works on you. That was also when I started to see you as having two sides. 

The kind and merciful one, and the angry and sadistic one. When I read the Bible, there were times where I misread your wrath as being evil. But upon closer look, your wrath was against the people who have left your laws. They were the ones who let you down in the first place. You did not deviate from your nature at all. You are gracious and merciful, yet just and holy. 

Almost losing someone whom I love so dearly really threw me off the edge. In that moment, I lost all control. I could not understand how a God who says He loves us so much, would want to see us in pain!

back then, speech therapy was also something that I really wanted. Perhaps it was the first thing that I desired for so much in my life. Yet when the answer was no, twice, I felt like I was floating. It was like telling you, ' This was the one thing which I desired the most in my life. Yes you wouldn't give it to me. You know how hard I worked for this. You know how much effort. Yes you still couldn't come through for me.'

All these experiences made you seem like a taker, never a giver. My sense of self-righteousness grew. Your character, your true character blurred from my mind. 

Of course there were times where I fully trusted in you, especially when it was investing in the lives of your people.

These incidents happened in 2017-2019. The busyness of the days have left them buried deep down. But recently, reaching another juncture in life has raked them up again. Doing and going through 'Experiencing God' is slowly rewiring my brain. 

I know that my brain and heart is disconnected. Hence the repair work has begun.

Before I can know your ways and purposes, I need to know you, God first.

This goes way back to building the relationship with you. It also goes back to the pottery wheel, being reshaped and moulded by you.

God, you are doing a pruning in me.

Taking away the thorns in my heart, giving me fresh breath of life. You are my Father, my strength, the God of truth, my Healer and I want to love you for who you are. 

Jeremiah 18:3-4 3 So I went down to the potter's house, and there he was working at his wheel. 4 And the vessel he was making of clay was spoiled in the potter's hand, and he reworked it into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to do.

God's ways are redemptive, I believe in that.

If you have been checking my blog for updates regularly, I apologise for the lack of it. I am rebuilding my relationship with God, loving Him for who He is, instead of what He can give me. 

Another thing that I admitted to God was also the fear of not being to deliver what is expected of me. This is also a factor in my escapist mindset and also the need for change. My thoughts are - the longer I stay, the more mistakes I am bound to make, the more they are going to find out that I am not capable and the more things they have to 'blackmail' me with. Blackmail not in a sense to extort money, but more of expectations blackmail. E.g. you are an experienced xxx you are supposed to be able to .... as compared to when you are still starting out, there is a threshold for you to make mistake. Not being able to perform well with confidence if also something I fear. Hence, the performance trap. The emotion I fear the most, is disappointment. Disappointment that comes from anybody, including myself. That is also why I clarify a lot. Cause I need to be very clear what is required of me. The fearless to try anything diminished as I grew older. I was not like that when I was younger. Yes, I still dislike being a disappointment, but I had a 'just do it' attitude. try only. But now that I am older, the repercussions seems too much to bear, too troublesome to troubleshoot and too heavy a price to pay. 

I think Day 3 also enlightened me about planning and how my relationship with God is far more important than planning, delivering, basically anything in the world. Hence, I should not be caught in this performance trap. Rather, I need to stay close in my relationship with God so that when He reveals His purposes and plans to me, I will be ready. He approaches me to follow Him and to accomplish what He wants through me, by His ways. There is a lot of application in this and I am also learning day by day. 

It all starts with knowing God and who He is. 

I love this statement from the book: God created us for an eternal love relationship. Life is our opportunity to experience Him at work.

= do something right =